Sunday, September 9, 2012

A Puzzle's Piece

We are all just a mere puzzle piece. We may fit many different puzzles. However we all can come together and make one huge puzzle. Until the pieces begin to change, the Puzzle's pictures gets bigger and more elaborate. Then one day you find yourself not fitting the puzzle like you once used to.

I feel that way. It feels like the world has wedge me out and come together and adjusted to make up the spot that was once called mine. They even seem to be doing so much more better without me. As of lately I'll be honest, I'm tired of people as a whole. I'm either getting my feelings hurt, getting let down, or I'm being forced to accept how they feel about me even it's completely wrong.

Besides being tormented last night by the crazy raccoons I had to sleep in the car. Otherwise I felt I would get attacked. My period this time doesn't have me as alert as I usually am. So I would be vulnerable if more than one raccoon decided to tag-team me.

Well I spent yesterday talking to this crazy on Facebook and he was saying that he wanted to know if I would engage in a sexual something or other with him. I told him no. He said well if I hadn't had my picture up, he wouldn't've asked. He even had to the nerve to say that I shouldn't have placed my button on the top in the picture where it is. I didn't make the fucking top. It was brought that way. Then he said something about us hooking up because he wants sex. I'm like no I don't do that. So then he said it must be (that I don't want to participate) because my boyfriend had sex with me, dumped me and never came back. I told him I never had a boyfriend and it's the truth. Even you all know that. He said I was lying and he could tell. I even lied about being a woman, I'm a girl his age. I'm 25 years old. Last time I checked I'm not a teenager. He talked a lot of dumb shit and said that if I stop dressing provocatively, the boys wouldn't hurt me. What?? So I said fuck it and continued with my nails yesterday.

So this morning I woke up in the car because I was cold, the temperature dropped a little bit. While I watching this bird in the driveway peck at something. My phone started buzzing and vibrating. I picked it up and noticed I had about 20 Facebook notifications. I go and check. I get a message from this asshole. Not only did it piss me off but I was disgusted. Here's what the message said (for the sake of us, I'll fix up his horrible English):

You will never be happy by the way you're living. If you covered all of your body no one can hurt you, no one will try to flirt with you and no one can see your body. But if you show your breasts then you will get their attention and they'll get attracted to you. Then they will try to suck and fondle your breasts. Then maybe some one will kidnap and rape you.

Now not only was I livid he called me a slut and said it was my fault that I'm getting mistreated by men because of the way I dress. But you expect someone to kidnap me and rape me. Oh hell no that's a touchy subject for me. I was almost raped by this supposed nice guy who was suppose to be bringing me home after that other bastard refused to take me home (the one I thought I was pregnant by). Thankfully it didn't escalate into something more horrible if not worse. But the principle is, I was almost raped. That night I had on a t-shirt with a sweater and blue jeans with boots. It was the beginning of November and cold as hell. It's not about how I'm dressed. I didn't make the fucking clothes. But you can be raped having any type of clothes on.

So another someone this morning told me I needed to go grab my girlfriends and they'll comfort me. Yea right. The lazy cunts are only concerned about themselves, their lousy ass men and bad ass kids. So they told me I needed to make new friends and do this and do that and they sounded just like the potential rapist. No. I'm tired of making friends and being hurt for no fucking reason. Tired of hearing excuses and bullshit. The rapist said if I shut my mouth then no man will ever take advantage of me. Yea and I ride an Alicorn to my job at the donut factory everyday.

I got ticked. These people are throwing ideas in my face and telling me what I should and shouldn't be doing. Yet they're pushing me out of this life that's suppose to be mine. I need to be a productive adult?? But you don't hire me and refuse to give me a chance because I'm not the perfect kiss ass you want. Well I never will be but that doesn't mean I'm not a good worker. Just like the color of my skin doesn't say I'm ignorant or nothing but a hood rat with kids galore. I don't understand how this world makes these expectations for you to abide by. Then judge and give you hard time and say you're the problem to the whole process. WELL EXCUSE THE FUCK OUTTA ME FOR BEING BORN. I did not ask to be here. Some days I even wonder, should I have been born. It seems everyone would be happier if I wasn't.

But I'm just damned tired. I'm tired of giving the best of me and trying to make things work not just for me but with everyone and everything. Yet I'm getting kicked harder while I'm out on the ground. What happened to never kicking someone while they're down?? I thought it was all fair play for everybody. But I guess society has its picks.

I get even more pissed off when I hear people say I need to do what makes me happy. I want a baby, that would make me very happy. To have someone who loves me just for me, no judgement, no influenced thoughts. To say how much they love and missed me all day. It's beautiful. Unfortunately, you need the opposite sex to procreate. Since men tell me nowadays well I got my one or five, I don't need no more and you don't need none either type shit. Well it's kind of hard to do so. Even harder to do it on my own. IVF and finding donors to adoption and court hearings. No one can afford that. No one has just some odd several hundred thousands of dollars lying around. So I will probably never get that chance to be a mom or be happy about bring a life into this world. All because I'm not what society wants or I'm not much use. It hurts, it really and truly does hurt.

I've tried every possible avenue, every possible solution and even found other things to do. None of them work. It's like I'm here on this earth without a true purpose. Never to be loved, or cared about. To always be alone, regardless. The whole time, I'm sitting here not wanting to revert back to my old self where I locked everybody out and kept to myself. I wouldn't talk to people and I was afraid of always being taken advantage of. At least then I knew my parents would do their best to protect me. But now as my mother gets older, my father is gone—I won't have that security anymore. I know I may be selling myself short. I know this. But there's only so much pain and heartache one person can take. The people I assumed were my friends act like I'm burden. Hell I don't even get to know they're getting married or hell when I find out they're already married and I never received an invitation. Afford me the opportunity to say how I feel about something. Don't make that decision for me. You wouldn't like it it I did it to you, you really wouldn't. Now I know how Gabrielle Union felt in Deliver Us From Eva.

I guess between my period giving me a hard time and what's been going on these past two weeks, I just can't take the bullshit. Call it emotionally unbalanced or hey I could even be in the process of losing my mind and myself. Either way I don't have much get up and go any more. Why should I?? Don't have anything to look forward to anymore. To wake up every morning with nothing and I'm still here living. It's hurts so much more than working hard and losing everything. Maybe I'm in a negative place right now or maybe I'm saying how my heart truly feels. But I don't like where my life is going. I don't understand if I have nothing offer anybody, I'll say it again, in my mind this is clear, what am I doing here??

I've been forced out of the puzzle with no place to go, no usefulness, no nothing. I'm a waste of a perfectly good puzzle piece that will never fit in any puzzle.

All I can say. I hope next life time. If I get the chance. I'm going to do what's best for me and make me happy. Forget all this unnecessary torment and unhappy moments. Just worry about me and me only. Selfishness isn't about being secretive or having a slight bout of egotistical nature. Selfishness is a form of security, protection. When you've been hurt so many times like I did. The only person you can trust anymore is you.


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