Monday, July 2, 2012

Eyes Wide Shut?

You ever have someone you knew that you try to avoid as much as possible and how twisted the situation is when you finally have to bump into them?? Isn't it even worse when you had feelings for that person, it's like the awkwardness increasings by What The Fuckery and makes things that much more uncomfortable.

Yup experienced one of those today.

In the midst of typing up the My Little Pony Post and trying to get my phone to charge. I happen to look up in mare coincidence and pure lost thought and unintentionally noticed the mailman was on his way—DAMMIT.

Unfortunately I was so intense with charging my phone and finish my posting and I lost sight of him and in one sense I thought I was hallucinating or tripping. Then I heard that voice as he cheerfully conversed with all the neighbors that were out. In the mean time I was in the process of becoming contented that my iPhone was finally charging and happy. He was closer than I thought.

When he finally got next door he came up his short cut through our yard and stared at me and was headed to the garage as if to avoid me in a way and asked dryly if I wanted the mail. So I said yes. What little eye contact was made, it was awkward uncomfortable and it felt like I was the one in the wrong. So I said thank you and he grunted and went on his way up the street.

To be honest, for some odd reason I was mad and pissed off a little. Then again I felt remorseful and guilty for some odd reason.

So I told my mom that he acted as if he didn't want to talk to me. And what he did say was so damn dry, pissed and uncheerful (not saying he's gotta be super happy about it but would it kill you to smile a little bit damn?). It's like what the hell are you disgusted that I'm outside?? Excuse me but I try my damnedest to avoid you daily and unfortunately today Madea had to potty >_< d'oh!!

So my mother said:

Well maybe it's because he's jealous of you.

Say what now??

Well he sees that you are happy, single and available and he's stuck. He probably still likes you since the both of you got along very well. He's in an unhappy marriage to an older woman and has to not only deal with his and her kids but her oldest daughter that's not his. He deal with the bullcrap at work and then has to go home to more bullcrap. He probably even regrets that he got married when he could've probably had someone like you.

What my face looked like:

What my inside thoughts looked like:

How I ended up reacting:

How my inside thoughts reacted:

Then I thought about it. Maybe that's so. Then when I was in the mood for writing down my anger thoughts. I felt bad and guilty for getting upset over nothing. Maybe he's having a hard time about this too. There's even a possibility we've been trying to avoid each other and hope not to cling on anything so we can tend to LIFE period, but been having a hard time. But also it's just an assumption and it's not meant to get one's hope up about such things. I guess this epiphany feeling is what people talk about when you look at something from another's perspective or to stand on your head.

It's hard to do so because you mentally think of how you would solve it. Even if you say you won't do that way. You just think of the best possible way to solve a problem or how to correct a situation or how something or whatever went wrong—from your point of view only. I think that's why a lot of us has so many problems we can't necessarily resolve or make better.

Because of that, so many questions entered my head and I'm curious about the what it's and how comes and possibly's that the old butterflied feeling he used to give me popped up for a small moment. In a way it felt nice in a reminiscent kind of way.

For now I really won't know the truth and even if I had bold day to muster up everything I got to ask wouldn't feel right and plus he's allowed to lie and cover it up. But I can't help but think and wonder that when he did ask me out was it because he needed an escape goat?? It sounds harsh but maybe he thought I get out of his problematic relationship and would or could've made something with me instead like a second chance. However it didn't work out that due to miscommunication.

However like I said all of that is just hoping and wishing. Me want to know is strictly curiosity and for now it's for the best to leave it be. I may not still fully understand but maybe later on, one day I will. As for now, I'll accept it and work on being nice and not so much in avoiding him. I'mM happy this happened because I got to take time out and think and learn and grow up just a little but more.

So maybe one I'll get the answers I seek. For now I'll continue worry about me. Hopefully hope or the day were we can be friends instead of awkward enemies lol.


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