Tuesday, June 19, 2012

A Lover's Whim

I'm probably going to ramble so bear with me ok??

I think as we grow up from being children to adults, we are told so many happy, great and perfect things about love, relationships and the happiness that goes along with it. However they refuse to tell us about the bad times, the nights filled with heartache and crying, and even what to do next when our hearts are broken and not even the strongest glue or bandaid can't fix it.

We make mistakes and it takes a lifetime to really get to know a friend, let alone of you want to spend the rest of your life with someone. Cold feet ain't the word for it. I think that's one of the many problems men have—having to stay with the same woman for 50 years is a scary thing. There's no givesy-backsy or I refuse or changing the horse in the middle of the race. Plus I think that's another reason why when temptation becomes more important and divorce a cowards way out of a serious commitment. However it shouldn't have to come to that. You know in 10 seconds what you're ordering from a restaurant or fast food joint. You know if you love someone or want to spend forever with them.

But it's hard and makes things difficult. Because once you get out in the real world, you find out life's not a fairy tale and you may not end up with that Happy Ending you assumed you get as a small child. You make bad choices and get hurt. You never understand why and never receive an answer of reasoning. Reminds me of my first crush not that one where you like someone new but where you really really like someone. I wrote a note to a friend and someone read it in their class and exposed me and my feelings. Not only was I embarrassed and hurt. He still acted like I didn't exist and I really really liked him. I didn't have a reason why or how—I just did. Then I ended up with the Junior/Senior High crush. Told him I liked him (he was the football captain by the way) he said that's nice and let's just be friends. It's funny how guys whine about being friendzoned but no one ever mentions about a girl being friendzoned. I did, however, had a guy who liked me during that time but I was so infatuated with the football captain and other people interfered that we doubted each other and just were really good friend irregardless of what people said. Maybe that was sort of sad in a bittersweet kind of way, then again maybe it was for the best. Because of we could be swayed so easily by other people and couldn't even start a relationship, imagine that possible relationship falling apart over some he said, she said bullshit. It would've been tragic.

Yet in still I had my mind in that Happily Ever After. Even back then, I would've never considered that I would have my heart broken twice and had my world turned upside down and chewed up and spit out. Two broken hearts, and so many men who hurt me. That's definitely not what I had in mind for my fairy tale. Even though they say you can still obtain the happiness you want, it's hard. Not too many men want to settle down until they're way in the forties. They don't want kids until their 60s. A woman can't wait that long, and even if she tried to it could kill her. Age or whatever they say, having a baby way beyond your mid 30s is a no no. Because you become selfish. You don't think about the child any more. You don't think about what if I can't participate, what if my retirement check doesn't cover college, what if I die early who's going to take in my child and raise them?? There are no grandparents and very little family and more stories about people who have the same significance as a character in a bedtime story. You lose patience and find yourself not wanting to do some of the things your child may want. I know that for a fact. I lived it. I still am living it.

I won't get to have my father walk me down the aisle and I may end up where I have to tell my children if I have any at all, stories about my parents.

That's what so sad. People are losing out on what could be the best thing ever. They're so caught up in a falsified love that they neglect the important things. All because we weren't told or shown the right way. Then there are people like me who were shown the right way and can say hey I want to marry someone like my mom/dad who'll be good to me and treat me right and love me for all eternity. However we end up with people shown the wrong way and those who could care less and we end up burnt and hurt and refuse to open up. Not because we're afraid to trust or love, it's not worth getting hurt and wasting love and time on someone who doesn't deserve it or who takes you for granted.

I found myself for the past couple days thinking about the guy I fell in love with. The way he treated me when I last saw him was wrong and unneeded but it hurt me just the same. I don't understand why he's with his wife and nor do I want to, bad timing isn't the thing, it's like I never got a chance to fight for what I truly wanted. I got gipped and so what who cares?? And even though I fell in love with a girl the same thing applied. It's not that I don't want to try again or I refuse to try again. I just don't want to end up hurt and wasted another handful of good years for nothing all for someone who didn't care in the first place. I get that some people are meant to be in our lives for a season like Tyler Perry said. I get that. But you shouldn't have to reduce yourself to having to deal with fair weathered friends, family and lovers especially.

I think if parents and other people tell us as kids and other kids that love can be unpredictable and wrong and hurtful at times. I think we can be more understanding and appreciative of how love works and be able to accept the rejection and hurt that comes along with love in a better light. We can say ok, we learned from that, let's move along. Oppose to crying your eyes out and wondering what you did wrong and how did it ended up this way. Plus you don't want to make bad decisions either. Especially those you'll regret later on.

However we're exposed to all this love is great and being single is worse than death fisçade. That when we finally enter the real world and expect to have a good love life and a great relationship, it blows up in our face and makes loving someone hard. Opening up to people and trusting them that much harder. Then we miss out on a happiness that we can never experience due to falsehood, promises, lies and wrong information.

Even now through all the bull and heartbreaks I've had. I still feel deep in my heart that if I take time out and work on me and fix my disadvantages and turn them into advantages and say I am going to be HIS everything and the best thing that will ever happen to him, that maybe just maybe I can open up a little bit and love someone else. However that other part of me who was let down, stood up, ignored, friendzoned, hurt, abandoned, misunderstood and misinterpreted, labelled and hurt more times than allowed says No, I don't want to try any more, that's a risk I just can't take—I refuse to be hurt again because even when I'm hurt, lonely and crying there's not going to be someone there to make me feel better and I have to figure it out on my own or accept it or live with the pain. To be honest in a non-selfish way, I care too much for myself to let something like that happen again for a third time. I rather be considered off standish, cold hearted and mean than to be easy, hurt and left in the darkness like always. Plus I'll be honest and say I'm afraid too. You know the saying how all things come in threes. I don't want to work on another love and watch it fail miserably and that would be it. I'm afraid of that and that constantly weighs in on my mind. I want happiness too, but I'm afraid that it won't turn out they way I expect it to. High expectations and negative results are a bad combo.

We're so consumed with the fantasy of love and being intimate with someone because it is a need, that we lose sight on what's best for ourselves. Imagine this, when a friend has a broken heart the first thing you say is don't worry, you didn't deserve him/her and they aren't worthy of you besides you'll find someone new and worth of you and who'll make your dreams come true—don't act like you don't. In my case I have to catch myself from saying that, because it's not right. That's like hoping to see a Unicorn before your 25th birthday. It's my belief that the better the situation you come from the hard it is to accept the negative side to love. Because you know exactly what you want and need but it's next to impossible to find. I want a guy who's like my dad, even though I hate to admit that, it's true. Someone who'll love and protect me, treat me good, love me for me and do whatever he could and can for me the whole while being there for me. I don't expect a guy to have a fancy job or a fancy car. I'll settle for a burger flipper with a beat up old jalopy—materialistic things are just that a material item and it can always be replaced.

I know for a fact a good human being and good loving can never be replaced or fabricated. It just can't. You can pretend and fake it all you want. The real thing is so much better. Also to me the lack of this "love" messes up the children who will grow up without knowing what's it ever really like to love. It's like a vicious cycle that will be hard to break—or at least until the next man comes along and says he wants to do the right thing step up to the plate and love his woman and take care of children and teach them the right and wrong ways. But that also applies to the single moms out there. Because of love they make the wrong decisions too. They cater to the horrible baby's dad and neglect their children. Not only does her kids grow up without love, but they grow up badly.

Love makes us do crazy things. Sometimes for the best and other times for the worst. It's hard to judge love seriously because you get so caught up you loose sight on what's wrong and try to make justification and accept whatever comes. Loving yourself is one thing, but to learn to love someone else, you need people who love you and then that's when you can honestly say you know how to love someone.

Maybe things might change in the near and distant future, or maybe they'll continue this way for awhile. But I know from experience loving someone or anyone for that matter and not receiving the same love in return hurts more than any crush or the "timing was off" circumstance.

I won't say I won't fall in love with someone else again. However it will be hard and difficult because I refuse to let anyone—well any more people hurt me. It's not selfish, remember that, you have to do what's best for you sometimes even if that means doing something you hate to do or will regret later on. Always do what's best for you, you will be the only person in the world to accept and love you.

Love isn't something you play with and shouldn't be taken so lightly. However it is and gets chewed up and spit out and turns into something ugly. It makes people jaded even when they really don't want to be—wouldn't you agree??

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