Thursday, May 31, 2012

Something New | Something Worthwhile

So a few weeks or so ago, I usually check out what kind of blog posts I've started and if they can be finished. Because sometimes I lose my train of thought or forget what point I was trying to make and it happens to everyone. Call it a miniature writers block.

I had began writing this post on about going to college and how a lot of people aren't sure what to do and once the shit hits the fan you're truly lost. Can't figure out and no matter how hard you try, it's just not possible. Faith and Hope are great gals but they only come when you don't need them around, you know what I'm saying?? Anyway I started it. However I felt for one post it was too much information to be crammed in there like that. It makes it frustrating and looks plain horrible. So I put it aside for a rainy day.

Well I had one of those rainy days, and I'm thinking well lets make this a series of things. I thought it would be useful for those of us who are looking to go to college, planning on going, those already there and those who either dropped out or graduated and don't know if you should take a left or a right. Because there's a lot of things pertaining to college that no one takes about and it's kept a secret. It shouldn't because it's vital information. So I feel everyone needs to know this. It's important and it makes for a better outcome.

So somewhere along the lines of my job searching fiasco, I saw where someone said to write a self help book. I'm not much into self help anything, because everybody's situation is different and no two scenarios are alike. If it is, history must've accidentally repeated it self. Because the only repeats allowed are fashion lol. Then I thought maybe this could work! Maybe I could write a self help book or something on....something. Right?? Well then I had to think of what topics I knew inside and out. Other than anime, arts and other strange unknown things like red makes you eat more while blue curbs your appetite. Then the post I started about going to college popped in my head. I could write about that. So I went through the steps and planned it out and wrote down topics and what would be discussed and this and that. Then I looked into publishing. You talk about a twisted case!! Going to a publisher or sending your manuscript in is one thing. But that's if they like it, that's if they don't steal your work, that's if they don't try and ghost publish it all this bull. As for self publishing, if you don't have the money, resources and contacts/ can forget it. To publish 100 copies of any book would be $1000 if not more. If that's not insane I don't know what is. So of course my "hope" was crushed and I moved on.

However the more I thought about it, the more I felt it wasn't right for me to charge anybody especially a price I wouldn't be ok with. This is important need to know stuff and no one should have to pay hundreds or thousands for this. Plus then I thought I would be PISSED if they banned my book or some other evil dumb shit Lil that. At least on here I can always find a way to make the shit possible! Don't play with me, if there's an email, there's a way dammit. You can ask yahoo answers that shit lol.

So I decided that I would put here on the blog. If any case, anybody can google or search it and it'll be here. It won't be extravagant like other articles and I'm not going to tell you a bullshit lie or a cute story. Yea sometimes the truth can hurt but it's better to know then to find out after the fact like I had to. Plus if it helps or prevents someone going down the path I had to, then I'm happy. Besides, this will prevent me from cutting someone lol.

So once I finish the rest of the 25 Days Of Bunny be on the look out for College 1-O-What?! It'll be a new label and I think I'll do it in volumes & titles oppose to just posts. It'll be easier to find what you're looking for, plus I might even put up a new page in the menu bar do you can find it that way.

So stay tuned!! Plus there'll be another label so look out for that one too!!

Peace & Hair Grease...

☮ & Hair Grease

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Lovey Dovey Baggy

Another something I found on tumblr that I thought was absolutely adorable!! I would do ANYTHING just to get this bag and say HEYYYY I GOOOTT IT!!! Lol

It made me think back to the shoe purse I brought back when I visited Kailua-Kona, Hawaii in 2004, Its black with hot pink polka dots and resembles a bootie with white ribbon laces. Maybe at some point I'll dig it out and show you guys ^_^

Same procedure lol, If you want to see how you can purchase this awesome Purse, Click Here to visit the Yolanda Lolita Boutique!!

Not Much Use...

Have you ever been told how useless you are? That you don't serve a purpose? Or that you aren't what someone or some place is looking for?

I have. Many, many times. But never did I ever consider in my wildest nightmares that I would hear and it would hurt my heart so bad. To be told you serve no purpose to us because it's your fault is beyond fucked up. It's wrong and mean and even discriminatory. However it's legal and ok and nothing can be found wrong with it.


So for those of you that don't know, I've been job seeking for years and years. It didn't really become a necessity until 3 years ago when I left college. Now thinking back on it, I was fresh out with a possible chance and I would've been screwed over anyway. However as my student debt that's 3/4 loans and the remaining is owing schools for leaving, it took an ugly turn. I ended up owing double what I took out, all for a school who not only felt my fathers death wasn't as important as their classes, who also refused me to make up my work and refused to honor my request to withdraw, that I spent 4 long grueling years at and never gained the first degree in ANYTHING—I owed everybody and their mama too. Through it all I didn't even get and I'm sorry.

So as life rolls on. I began to lose friendships I thought were solid as rock. Same people, I would always hear would be the best friends to have and make networking and being "in the know" the greatest experience ever for a young adult to have. Well they didn't even let me finish spelling the word "network" before they dropped me like a bad ass habit. I knew and felt it was wrong but I let it go and moved on. Then I had friends who meant the world to me, screw me over in all positions. Damn shame when you've got to pay your friends to go out with you. But as soon as the money is gone—shoot, it's like you were nothing more than illusion. Twisted, I know. Then I ended up in adult situations, I myself aren't too proud of and I got hurt real bad and can't shake the feeling of either of them. They say all good things come in 3. Well so do the bad things and let me tell you, it can do some serious damage to your whole body. Once it does, it's so hard to get back up.

So something in me told me I need to settle down. I need to reevaluate my life and get my shit together. Maybe in one sense it was a good experience to go through. But I wouldn't wish anybody end up pregnant by a man who really didn't care—false or true. It's a hard pill to swallow.

However things change for a reason. Things happen for a reason. Maybe it was for the best to not be pregnant. Then again if it hadn't had happened I wouldn't've been able to have an open clear mind and focus on what was for the best not just for a future possibility, but for me as well. I already knew, I had to depend upon myself. Hell, I'm an only child. I had to grow up badly too many times which posed a negative impact on my life whether I liked it or not. But all in all, I would do all those things over again, because finally becoming an adult—it's by far the worse experience I've ever had. It makes me want to cry, but what would that solve? There's no one who could console me. There's no one to tell me it's gonna be alright. There's not even that slightest bit of hope, that says don't give up, try one more time it's void to work this time around. Nothing. Just that deafening silence that drives most people crazy, but it's the only place I feel most comfortable in.

So what exactly happened to make me go all emo and need a serious nap on Tuesday??

Well, I had been applying for jobs for the past 5 months, nonstop working hard, looking actively. I tried my damnedest. Bust my ass. Everywhere I turned, I got ignored o this nasty email about how they refuse to hire me, no explanation why or how come. Nothing. Thinking about what happened pisses me off at the thought I wasted my time and lost good sleep all for nothing. So I applied to a slew of places. Restaurants, stores of all kinds, offices of all different backgrounds. Places near and far. Nothing. Made no sense to me. I decided to call two of the places about 1-2 weeks ago and ask why I wasn't going to be consider for employment. The first place which was a fabric and arts and craft store, that woman said she didn't know they sent out emails like that. So we suggested I call this number and ask them why. Nice way to avoid the situation, huh? The second place, Target, since the two closest to me refuse to hire anybody at any given time. So I applied to the next two that weren't close by, neither we're they extremely far away. Got an email saying they refuse to accept my application and refused to hire me. Well why?? Nothing, no reason. Not even Mary had a Little Lamb story. I called, and after a run around with their main corporate costumer service, I was finally top to go I the store personally and ask them. So I asked if I could call instead and she said I could. I did. Both places had a story as to why I couldn't talk to the human resources person. One said their HR left early and to call back and try again. The other store said their HR was too busy and to give them y name and number and someone will call me back. That was a week or so ago like I said. Never got a call. So while being out and about today I decided to call. I finally got someone.

I asked this woman why I was declined for employment. After this back and forth about how she never heard my name before and couldn't recall ever hearing my name. She asked me if I was in high school. No. She asked if I was in college. No. So then she said well when are you available to start? I told her immediately. She said no you don't understand. I meant time wise. Like tomorrow morning or what. Then she said no, you don't understand what I'm asking you. I said apparently not, what are you trying to ask me. She said well are you available to work here at the store from 8am to 11pm. I said well I wouldn't say 8am maybe 9am at the earliest. She asked to 11pm and I said no maybe to 7pm or 8pm. Then se said well that's the reason why. What's the reason??

The woman said it was because I didn't say I was available between 8am and 11pm, be available on weekends and holidays too. She said that the time I said I could be available wasn't good enough. Because they have a rotating shift and I may have to open the store, work morning, mid-day, afternoon, evening, and closing the store. I told her that I would also be catching the bus and she said well that was the second reason why I couldn't work there. We don't hire people who have to catch the bus and if you can't reconsider that then you can never work here. Oh really??

So I said well why does the application ask for times you'll be available for if you want people to work 8am to 11pm?? She said it was so they could sift through the people like me and hire only the people available 7 days a week, holidays included, from 8am & 11pm. I told her that I could only come during the day because I help and take care of my sick disabled mom. I get someone maybe for the day but the evening and nights would be hard. She said well then that's your third problem.

She might as well should've said well it sucks for you, oh well—Ta Ta for now.

I was speechless. What exactly could I say to that. So I began to wonder and think. It that the reason why I haven't be able to get work? It's because I don't have reliable transportation? That maybe one day our poor car will break down and I will have to resort back to catching the bus?? Or that gas has is too damn expensive to get for the busted up old car? Isn't that discrimination? So I asked the Internet douches known as Yahoo Answers. They all said no, well it's unfortunate you can't work during that time. Or how the store has specific hours to abid by and how they need people who can work those hours and if you can't you're of no use to them. You're useless.

Would you call an infant useless because it doesn't know how to walk at six months?

Would you call a high school student inadequate or useless because they don't know how to write a business proposal?

Is our president considered useless or inadequate for not being ready for presidency when he was sworn in?

But I guess those things don't matter. If you don't have the money, power or respect you're useless. Hell helium has more more of an use than you do and we're all of it.

So there I sat in the parking lot trying to figure out what the fuck just happened. I was told I was useless. My feelings are hurt bad. I wasted precious months for nothing. Because I refuse to work when they want. That's bullshit. I feel sorry for the kids coming out of college, and those who have yet to grown up into this ugly world. You prepare them and want them to make something of themselves. Just like my parents wanted and expected of me. But to be told I'm useless and serve no purpose—not just in the work force, but in society, in this world period. I serve no purpose and how useless I am. Damn, why not kill me before I was born here?? It's funny how our fates are sealed and set in stone and there's nothing you can do about it to correct, change or fix it.

So here I am 25 year own grown woman. I have no choice but to watch my life go down the tube all because of events I had no control over. Depression ain't even the word I'm feeling right now. No words can express how I feel.

Maybe one day, I'll wake up and this will all be just a dream or fucked up nightmare. Maybe I'm just kidding myself because I no longer know what to truly to do for myself. This is by far the hardest fall, hit and knock down I've ever been dealt. I can't seem to pull myself back up to my feet no matter how much I struggle and try. I had to even ask myself, is it worth even applying to jobs if I'm going to be turned down at the door??

I'm more than disappointed, disgusted and unhappy.

But until it's my time to go, I'll do what I do best and wait for the end to embrace me—A Useless Human Being.

Lolita Love

I saw this on tumblr, and thought OMG how cute and just oh so classy is this?!?!!

I dunno if it's the color, or just the way it's made that I love the most about this, maybe when I lose some weight and get a job (lol) I'll buy this and strut down the street and make everybody JEALLY—Lolita-ly!

But if you are interested in buying or check out the dress and the Yolanda Boutique, click here!

Wednesday, May 30, 2012

Don't We All Wish We Had This??


One Love...Mistake


My Melody Awesomeness

Not only do I absolutely love the My Melody bag/purse/call it what you may, but I absolutely love the japanese shoes!! I remember seeing a pair of them, a while back looking at some cosplay or online clothing boutique. I dunno maybe at some point I'll grab me a pair and show off for you guys :D

Tuesday, May 29, 2012

When They Don't Care...




Ms. Bitch


Traffic Humour

Most people see an awesome dog driving or something spectacularly great.

However when I'm in traffic I see stuff like this.

It was 95° out and I'm melting like butter in a frying pan and I look at the car in front of me and when I read the license plate. Not only did it sorta piss me off but I couldn't help but chuckle at seeing something like this. So I knew I had to take a picture before it slipped away. I got it just in time too lol.

Then I wondered how many people saw the license place and flipped the driver off XD.

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Sunday, May 27, 2012

Dancing Machine

How I look when I hear a new song I like ^_^



Protect, Love & Respect


Wife Her




Love Graffiti

Art is in the eye of the Creator. The Beauty of the Art is in the eye of the Beholder. Those who know the difference is what I call True Critics ^_^.

Dark Shadows


Saturday, May 26, 2012

If Anybody's Wondering....

How my job searching is going, this picture below pretty much sums it up *nods*

This Should Be Legal Domestic Abuse

Ladies next time your man go and demand that you make his lazy behind a sandwich......How about you try this move and see if he's still interested in a sammich then



Bad Ass Prom Dress

This is by far the baddest prom dress I've seen all week. The others were ok and so-so, others look like muumuus you wore out in everyday society....

But this one, I liked it a lot :D

if you like to see a few other pictures of this gal's awesome dress click here!

Pesky Foods

I found this on tumblr and thought it was interesting and good information to know. And for those of you don't want to buy orgranic, then I would suggest that you wash your fruits and veggies very well!

Wedding Cake

I told my mom that if by any chance or graces from the Lord or Whoever Above, if I ever did get married, I wanted my wedding cake to be spectacular!!

My family's full of douchewaffles and knowing them, they would either not come just to fuck up my day or they would come just out of being nosey and wanting to hate on my shit.

So either way if they do mess it up, least my wedding cake was flipping awesome :D

What do you guys & dolls think?? Is this cake awesome or what?? ^_^

How I Want To Talk To Some People


Real Women

Men, it's ok to have desires and want, but you also need to learn that reality is as real as it's gonna be. Real Women aren't twiggy thin or look like the super model or porn stars. If you can't learn to accept that and appreciate it to the fullest, you're not only missing out. You're selling your own self short.

So accept women as we are, because you'll never know what you've got or could've had till it's gone and no longer available.

I'm not saying Women won't and don't feel the same way, but I know as far as I'm concerned, give me the regular Joe working a piece of job who's perfectly imperfect and wants to be just as happy as I do. That'll make me a happy woman. But there's nothing wrong in my dreaming and wishing I could have the NFL ProBaller or the CEO—but that's all it'll ever be, just a dream

So next time you begin to judge a girl on appearance or say how much of visual creature you are, think about it...she's accepting you for who you are, and if she doesn't then she ain't meant for you. But if you come across a girl who may have more curves than needed, or less hair than you expected, or just plain and normal....don't diss her. She might be the very thing you needed to make your life complete.

The One


Friday, May 25, 2012

I'm Bilingual


The Luxurious Tauruses

I'm a Taurus.....Now you know lol ;)

Even Babies Do It Too


The Tilt

I remember when I was in 3rd grade and I did something like this and unfortunately I fell over, then the teacher was like NOW YOU'LL STOP IT!! 

But I didn't lol XD

Egypt the Stray Cat

So on Tuesday the same day as the Think I'm Finally Over It post, something funny—well not humorous more like cute—happened.

When I first went outside I heard this cat meowing and crying. I wondered for awhile where it was or if it was hurt or something but no sign of it. Shortly before the I'm over it incident I saw the kitty over by the neighbors directly across the street from me. It was one porch and left and went to the next one and then went and looked around the trash can the neighbor keeps out.

Well when she came home with her little niece, the little girl wanted to play with the cat. Her aunt told her no and to leave it alone. So they charged up into the auntie's house with their Dairy Queen Blizzards and slammed the door shut in the kitty's face. So the kitty went up the street to the neighbor who was having company (the ones that were hitting on the mailman earlier). They screamed and cussed the animal out and threw water and some other stuff at it. It ran away and went back to the Auntie's house and by this time she was sitting out there talking and blazaying. She got mad and scream at the kitty when it came up on her porch. She cussed at it and poked it with a stick.

So the whole while I sat there like, something's not right. The cat was overly friendly. More friendly than the regular Strays. The regular strays had such a bad attitude people ran away from them than the other way around. They're would snap at you in a minute. However they do love Jesus (the crazy hippy from across the street) since he does feed them. But this cat, s/he was different.

So the cat went back up the street to the conversing neighbors and got hollered at and chased away again. It eventually came to my driveway and sat there crying like it's feelings had been hurt bad. I peeped at it over the railing and it looked at me. I won't lie, I was so mesmerized I couldn't help but stare back. Something like when Sailor Moon met Luna (again) for the first time.

This stray cat that was this odd grey with splotches of this beautiful tan color something like a Carmel or Camel color. Had these bright golden colored eyes. It wasn't like a yellow or a hazel. But bright golden colored eyes that just lit up even more when the sun hit them. It then jumped up on our bottom step and sat there meowing and peeping back at me. Before finally deciding coming up to the porch to greet me. I was a little off standish because I wasn't sure if it was upset or angry and would snap on me or not. So it came under my chair and the chair next to the one I was in and laid down. I actually moved my seat to where my mama would sit because I wanted
to be safe than sorry. Then s/he came over to me and looked and and sniffed me, trotted down the steps and left for a minute.

I felt sorry for it and wanted to help. So after a few moments of deciphering, I decided to feed it. Unfortunately all I had was the yogurt cups with a little bit left off and some cottage cheese. I filled it up and waiting for it to come back and it did. It jumped on the window ledge was checking out the screen door and I had to lure it to the bottom of the steps and it ate the yogurt and cottage cheese cup happily. Then it came prancing up to the porch and rubbed my legs and kissed my toes do happily. I couldn't help but feel all warm and fuzzy.

The neighbor across the street and the mom with her grown daughters asked me if it was my cat. I said no, I just fed it a little bit. The one lady said, "Well for it to not be your cat it seems very happy and satisfied with you. It's almost as if you belong to it."

The whole afternoon we spent together. I was actually genuinely happy. And it had been such a long time since I felt like that. I was happy to be with the cat. Who followed me the whole time even helped me sweep up the helicopters that had fallen off our tree. I played with it and talked to it. And as I stood in the driveway staring at this pretty stray cat I couldn't help but want to name it. So I nick-named it Egypt. It's posture reminded me a lot of an Egyptian Mau. But either way it was a friendly, happy an very obedient cat. What I loved the most about the cat is that it was so appreciative of the small amount of kindness I showed it. Egypt didn't judge me, or point out my flaws, and it didn't even make fun of my flat Daisy Duck feet lol. It loved me just for a small act of kindness. And it blew me away it made me very happy. I wanted to keep it but I knew my mom isn't much of a cat lover, well an animal lover period. Then also it could've been someone else's pet and it would be right or nice o take it away. So while I could I tried to shoo it away. No matter what it came back to me and rub my leg. No matter how many times I tried it came back. But then I realized it was afraid of the big yellow broom. And eventually I got it to go off while I went into the house. It was for the best.

I told my mom about the cat and she wonder who it could've possibly belonged to.

So I ended up having to run an errand. I went outside and as soon a I got to the end of the driveway, there sat Egypt waiting patiently for me. It pranced over and rubbed my leg happily. I was so surprised, because I thought it would be mad or afraid of me. It wasn't. It was just as happy. And stood there with me. Egypt even let me pat it's head. It followed me to the car and I had to tell Egypt that it could go with me. But still it followed. Even followed me to the drivers side of the car. I had to pick Egypt up and stamp my feet to keep it from running after me, and especially the street with the crazies that fly up and down it. It sat there on the little wall that frames our lawn. Staring and watching as I got in the car. It gave me such a sad look I wanted to take it with me. But I knew I couldn't. As I was pulling off, Egypt jumped off the wall and stood there on the sidewalk, looking so unhappy and lonely. It sat there looking as if it was contemplating whether I would come back or not.

That was the last time I saw Egypt.

I kinda wonder if it finally found its way back home to its loving family. Or if it got lost again and went to visit another neighborhood. Either way I'll still look out for him/her. And maybe I'll buy some kitty treats too lol.

I will say that even though it was just one afternoon. I was happy I got to spend it with someone else who was happy to spend it with me. I'm kind of sad and maybe I sort f got attached to Egypt. But either way I'm happy it happened. Least now I know I definitely want a cat, maybe I'll find another Egypt, one I can call my own or a new kitty just for me. Someone for me to love and to love me back without wondering or worrying.

And maybe, just maybe, that's what I was missing from my life. A pretty stray cat who I called Egypt who loved me that day no matter what and gave me hugs and kisses.

I think that'll be another new goal. Finding a kitty to call my own. To be honest I was contented even with the thought of being a future crazy cat lady lol. Especially if I had a cat like Egypt.

Maybe I'll get to see Egypt again, and then again maybe it was a good thing to have met Egypt so my loneliness could be eased a little bit. That's what makes me the happiest.

YouTube Video

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The Humping Dog USB


This awesome little device was found on some awesome person's tumblr (you'll see a lot of awesome stuff on there lol). I couldn't resist but go and google and low and behold I find it on Amazon lol

You can get such said Horny Pooch from Amazon for under $12, there are different kinds and from what I saw there's another Doggie USB who does sit-ups......If it were me I rather have the humping poochie than the one doing sit-ups lol.....calll me a pervert I don't care XD

If you're interested in the Humping Pooch, click here!

Hood Hair pt 2

Well I found another Hood Hair post from tumblr that I thought I should share with everybody lol. Now don't freak out when you see it, it'll be ok, just breathe and think happy thoughts ^_^.

Wait for it.......
keep scrolling


Facial Gestures

This is what people see, sometimes I don't even know I'm making a face or a bunch of faces when a situation comes my way lol.

But what's so funny, I have a pair of SpongeBob Pants with all these faces hahahaha XD

Tuesday, May 22, 2012

Think I'm Finally Over It

I think I'm finally over it.

So we know about the mailman who I fell deeply in love with and had on my mind constantly all the time. The same man I was willing to do whatever for, and then some just to get him. Yea Him.

Last time I saw him it was maybe the end of February beginning of March. And my uncle had stop by to drop something off to my mom and we spent some time chit-chatting about different things.

So it was a little after lunch time. I heard one of the dogs on the streets pitching one and when I look there he was. Then it made me reminisce to the last time I saw him and how I sorta felt happy just to see him. Even though up until that particular point he would rarely talk to me. Well basically it was like he had nothing to say. Even when I would ask him general questions like how he was doing and what was new—he'd give me one word answers or throw off some jibberish and continue what he was doing. And now that I think about that was really rude, fucking douche.

So yea, when I last saw him it was still winterish and was cold enough we all needed a jacket and long pants of some sort. My heart skipped a beat and I was sorta happy, even if he refuse to talk to me. However when I saw back in February/March I was so enthused with the fact of seeing him face to face and excitement just overflowed. When we made eye contact he have me this smug ass expression, rolled his eyes and ignored me like I never existed in the first place. And dammit if that didn't hurt like hell. Broke my heart. He would even usually bring the mail half way to me but refused and acted like I wasn't on the porch at all. The fuck type of shit is that??

So in sitting on the porch today—Cooling it. Enjoying the Summer Breeze and listening to the low rumble of the thunder that's in the distance. When I noticed my neighbor had company and we live on a high hill or basically a mountain. So anybody's voice will echo clearly and loudly. Not that I was eavesdropping I sat here pondering of I was being punished for taking my tongue piercing so well and now I'm forced to eat soft foods like yogurt and mashed potatoes for nourishment. When all of a sudden I heard one of the neighbors say hey and I look.

There he sat in his mail truck and he chit chatted with them. At first I was trying to figure out if it was him or not. Then when I picked up on his voice, the same voice that used to send shivers up and down my spine. I just sat there and instantly thought of when I last saw him and how mean he treated me. So the neighbor asked him when they're going to hook up or whatever. I was deep in my own thoughts and was barely paying attention until one of them asked if he had a Facebook. He said no, he didn't like Facebook he rather meet face to face and drove off laughing.

There I say, mind twisted and then I realized I felt like something was missing. You ever have one of those moments where your there in mind, body & soul but something just don't seem right or it's missing?? Yea it was one of those moments.

Then it hit me—am I over him?? Am I finally over him??? I sat here thinking and tried so hard to remember what it felt like to have my heart beat so hard that it felt like it would jump out my chest. Or the way my tummy would get all butterflied with anticipation and excitement. If you grown woman, you know how some men just make go dripping wet......none of that. Nothing. I tried my hardest and got nothing. I couldn't help but chuckle to myself at the thought of how silly and blindly in love I was with him. I would do anything for that man. I was even ready to cheat with him just to say I had him even if it was for one night. But none of that came to mind, no feelings, no happiness—nothing. For some odd reason I felt at peace. I felt like I has gotten over something and now I'm able to officially move on.

Let me tell you, it feels damn good to me lol.

I guess in some regards, I will always love him. I won't deny that. He was my very first love. I spent a lot of time working on that love. It wasn't an infatuation or crush, not even an unrequited love. I knew what those were like and I was ok with that. This was different and I knew it. I hate the fact that I fell in love with him and with the girlfriend. Because I wasted good love that could've went to someone who not only was appreciative of it but accepted me and loved me back in return. Someone who actually deserved it. Unfortunately I doubt I could fall in love with someone else. It would be too hard and I would be devastated if I ended up brokenhearted for a third time.

But then again I could be wrong. I said I would always love him and only him. And if I ain't fell not one spark for him AT ALL today. Me falling in love with someone else might change too. Maybe.

For now.....I know I'm over him and I'm happy. Maybe turning 25 wasn't so bad after all.

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Strawberry Kitty Nya


Glasses Are Sexy!!


Hood Hair

I swear only in the hood ghetto places have off the chain, over the top hair dos. But the best part is that they can come up with some of the most unique hairstyles no matter how crazy or odd or strange....and maybe that's the plus.



Sunday, May 20, 2012

25DOB | Day 26

"A Teary Eyed Birthday"

So it's my birthday today. Today I turn 25 years old. I'm not where I expected or wanted to be. I will say that I'm quite unhappy a to how things have gone so far. It's depressing actually. Even though I've been trying hard to make things work and to gain a better and happier perspective on life. Even to gain a peace of mind would've been just as lovely—unfortunately it didn't work out that way.

I won't say what's happen so far is my fault. I won't say that I blame someone else. There's no good that comes from something like that. Blaming only makes people more miserable than they already are. No one will be satisfied. So in that regard I won't do that. All I can honestly say is that I worked hard. I did what I had to do. Worked hard in high school to get into college. Went to college and worked hard or maybe I should say I did my very best and I'm proud of that. However unfortunate events came along, no one was ever prepared for, and not only did I end up completely lost and confused, my world was thrown upside down.

I've made bad choices, had more frienemies than best friends, a family who doesn't love me and things most women can brag about and wave off that I probably will never experience. All in all, I was a good person. I care for the ones I love, even of they did hurt me in someway or form. I even forgave and forgot all the bad things people done to me. Because one shouldn't go through out life hating, plotting revenge or contemplating on getting even with someone. While your miserable and unhappy, they're contented and happy as peach pie. But then again that's how funny irony can be.

As for now, I'll admit it and say to be a 25yo college drop out who's hideously ugly by society's overly high standards.…A part of me is happy to celebrate my 25th Birthday. It's an accomplishment in some regards. But then there's a bigger part of me who honesty is really hating thing and wish there were no birthdays, even wish I wasn't born. It's the truth, how am I suppose to feel will the world acts like I shouldn't exist in the first place. Like my birthday is just another day—so what who cares? It hurts. It hurts a lot actually. Even though they've never out right voiced that opinion. Their actions speak so much louder than their words ever could.

It's a nice hot day and usually I would probably go to the nail shop and get pampered, get my hair done and do stuff that I wanted to do that others refuse to do. I'd be somewhat happy. However today, on this nice hot day. I'mma be sitting at home, alone with my mom trying to preoccupy my time until 1:18am tomorrow comes. Then I can finally be honest with myself and say I don't want to celebrate any more birthdays. I haven't had a truly Happy Birthday in a very long time. Then again maybe it's because my expectations of how things and situations should go are unbelievably high and unattainable to begin with. It doesn't hurt to wish though, right??

Even now it's silly. I should be happy full of smiles and celebrating this get milestone. Instead, I'm sitting here in the nice weather, writing how I feel—trying not to cry so much.

I won't say it'll be different. Because I know it's not and I can't predict the future or check out my rocks & sea shells and determine the destiny business like Tia Dalma did. That's not who I am or what I've become.

I'm just a regular old girl. The girl next door, who's always been ignored and bullied by the popular skanks. The one guys say they're looking for but are too prideful to crack. That girl who was a top student and dropped out and lost control of her life completely. Heartbreaks, Let-Downs & Unhappiness will always plague my used to be bright smile. Always alone looking for someone to love me for me and accept that I'm not perfect, but in fact perfectly imperfect. The very girl who hates her own birthday—

But all in all, there's another little part of me who wouldn't change it for the world. I just hope next time around, next life time as a matter of fact, that I don't make the same mistakes and learn to be a stronger person.

For now I know one thing, I damn sure ain't the only loser in the world. So thus, I shall write about the things that are deleted off the Facebook that people only take on half ass seriously. We all have bouts of unhappiness and depression. And we all make mistakes. But we shouldn't be punished for being human either.

I'm human and I know it. Can't change it or fix it. Color it or redraw it. I am human. And a human I shall forever stay.

So now I'm off to go mourn this sad happy day. Trust me I know one thing, we ain't doing this again.

But last time I said that I celebrated happily now didn't I??

Saturday, May 19, 2012

Marriage: Sim Style


Marriage License

A Marriage License is basically an ok to get married. To me I guess that's ok, but then it's like is it really necessary?? If they were going to have one, they should give it out to people who's been married a number a years and consider it a formidable source of identification like your ID or Drivers License.

The reason why this plagued me so, was because I thought of all the chicks I know who all claim to be married to this poor old soul. But what I don't understand is the fact that it cost so much money. When I last checked it was $87. What's so amusing is that these are the same people who feel that a $22 canister of baby formula is WAY TOO EXPENSIVE. Yea if you're too cheap to buy anything for your baby, I seriously doubt you would get married and then to benefit the baby mostly.

When I told my mother how much it cost she was so appalled at the thought of it. It totally blew her mind. Well when she and my dad got married their marriage license only costed them $3. Go ahead and get it out of your system now.

Done?? Ok moving on...

My parents got married in 1966, however before you could get the marriage license you had to go through this serious protocol. You had to have a medical check up and give blood and urine samples. You had to test for diseases, STDs & STIs, they wanted your weight and height and where you last worked and all this stuff. In once sense it truly seems like a lot of unnecessary craziness just to marry someone. However on the same token it was pretty worth it, you didn't have to worry if the person had cheated on you, or contracted a transferable disease. I'm not say that all marriages, but a good many of them during that time got married and stayed married. Hell my parents would've been married for 46years if my dad had lived. But even when he died 42 years of marriage wasn't bad, and that's not counting the 15 years prior to marriage they had been together and that included engagement years too.

Nowadays that's a rare thing to find, it's a good thing if you find people still together the next day after the wedding lol. Then the people who were together some odd 30+ years who break up and call it quits, just baffles me. Makes me wonder were you guys fabricating a happiness and then got in too deep and realized way to late that it wasn't what you truly wanted?? Or was it because of some stupid ho?? Whatever it was, I hope you both felt it was worth it and won't regret in the serious long run.

However what's so funny is the fact that even though that Marriage amongst heterosexual couples are slowly but swiftly falling apart, they deny homosexual couples the right to get married. If they want to why not let them and be over it. Then those retards that bring in the whole "what the bible say" conversation are so overrated. If you want to talk about bible stuff, I doubt it says that getting a divorce is ok, let alone allowed. Then again it was ok to cheat so I guess that's a plus....maybe(?). But that could also be due to more and more people who grow up in single parent families, or unmarried parents households. I don't blame them, but it's taught to the child. Like for example I was taught that people got married and got a house and kids and all that goodness. While some girls my age grew up with just a single mom and a few or a bunch of siblings. Or were even brought up by grandma or auntie. So what you learn as a child, it's right for the moment. However it can either be a blessing or very detrimental later in life. Like a little boy who sees his father beat or disrespect his mother, he will think that's how you treat a woman. He will most definitely love his mother, but his outlook on loving a woman would be wrong and messed up. Then if the same family had a daughter also, she would think that's what love is when the man beats on you or abuses you emotionally, mentally or verbally. It'll be just as bad for as it was for her brother. Just imagine what their children would be like, and so on and so forth. It'd be a vicious horrible cycle. Not saying that it doesn't already happen now.

Another thing, is when have a man that actually wants to marry them and then get into this whole I DON'T WANNA GET MARRIED PREGNANT!! Well the Unicorns & Santa Claus don't want to be "fake" either but you can't have what you want all the time neither. Hell I could be a full blown 9 months, big bellied and I would happily waddle my fat ass down the aisle and call it a happy day. At least my baby has a legitimate last name. Or those that do get a proposal and they wait and wait and wait and he's always talking about, we'll do it next year. Eff that let's go down to the courts and do it now. But then again it's not good to rush or force people. However I think you should know if you want to marry someone and you'd want to do it as soon as possible.

Then again that's how I was raised. We are all different. I just find it silly that these women have to lie about being married or pretend. When it's apparent he's not interested or would rather not fork up the $90 just to give you his last name.

Hey may one day it'll change and people will be able to get married and actually mean it. The Homos can get married without being judged and maybe marriages will last a lot longer than they do now.

But that's like hoping one day unicorns will roam pastures, valleys and have a reserve dedicated to them lol.

25DOB | Day 25

"Making Up"

I'm sure exactly where I was going with this in the first place. The post was originally called "Till It Happens To You part 2." But I guess I was hurt, unhappy and the job searching wasn't going too good and I was probably in the mood to vent. Unfortunately it slipped my mind as soon as some other bullcrap got pushed in. So I lost my train of thought and the purpose of this topic lol. Plus it would be a shame to waste such a perfectly good post, so here it goes!!

I started this blog 4 years ago. Basically with the intentions of posting my poetry and sharing what I love to do the most with the world. I was doing it out of spitting myself for being denied to write in the college literary magazine. At time publishing a book was too much and sort of still is. Because my disease I can't stay focus as long and I need a break or map to get rejuvenated and start again lol. Unfortunately it didn't work out and I lost interest in and would post from time to time. Blogging seemed like a lot of work and I decided to not get involved.

However I entered a situation where I couldn't talk to my friends about my problem. But I still needed to vent. I didn't know really what to do and decided to write about it on here. Not only did I feel better, I enjoyed it.

I had times where I would feel it wasn't helping and would let go by the wayside. Times where I made broken promises and never gave an excuse as to why. And a lot has happened. But for some odd reason this time around. I didn't want to do let it go or lose the momentum so to speak. Whether I wrote something from my phone or on the computer. I feel happiest when I'm writing. It's what I love to do and I try to do it everyday.

So this blog turned into something more. I wanted to share with the world and then on the same token, let people like me know you're not alone. I don't want to be a self help expert because what I say may not fit your situation. Or what I suggest may not be what's best for you and all parties involved. I'm not an article writer. I don't aim to be and I dispose them. The wordage is so bland and boring. I write as if I'm talking to someone personally. It makes me comfortable and it makes you comfortable. Then everyone's kind of happy lol. But I think you can have a better appreciation and connection with the writer if they write this way. I'm not saying you should write the way you talk like nah mean? or dropping the "G" off of words that end in "-ing" none of that. It's poor writing and disturbing. You make people want to correct it lol.

My aim isn't gaining the most followers or readers. Nor am I going to bribe people, nothing good comes from that and it can get out of control. This is made for everybody. And no it's not about Bunnies or cutesy stuff. Well maybe a little bit of cute stuff. But mostly interesting things. Topics people refuse to discuss or talk about. And maybe in my often ramblings, I can help someone or make them feel better not just emotionally or about themselves but about everything in general.

I can't go out and help people like society expects me to do. However I can write and give advice and connect with people all over the world via the Internet and this blog.

Hell I went through 3 name changes lol. It started out as to and finally (where it's going to stay) I like it like that. And there's nothing wrong in using a "Z" in place of an "S" if it's meant strictly for fun purposes only!! Hahaha

So I still have many things planned for everyone and I'm going to expand this a little bit more. I may not talk about politics or history or current events. Those things don't interest me as much as an awesome ear cuff or a cute cat gif would.

Thinking as I write this, I think I'll post more of my poetry and definitely (maybe) the short stories too. I'm all for making a profit or money, but I would rather much have people be able to see it and read it and enjoy it (if they want to) than to never be able to do so. Have you seen the prices they want to charge for books!? Highway Robbery if you ask me!

Well in the midst of all my ramblings, I hope you enjoy coming to visit here and getting to know me. I hope also I can continue this for years to come.

However for now, I'm making up for lost time. And posting things that not only come to my mind. But posting things that important for everyone and need to be talked about more.

So I say thank you, like I usually do. Because without you guys (who mean the world to me like everyone else close to) I wouldn't have been able to come this far!! So let's hope we can continue this far more longer than just 5 or 10 years.

Let's shoot for a life time!

In the mean time what I want from you guys and dolls and groupies is to enjoy this space. Think of it as that happy place you need to visit when everything's gone wrong, your sad or looking for that little something or whatever you can't find.

Just remember when the world seems to turn their backs on you, Bunny will always be here (or somewhere lol) if you need me!

25DOB | Obstacle

So, If you keep up with me on a regular basis, you know when I say I'm going to post something I'm going to do it and everyone will enjoy it dammit. Lol

Anyway I realized shortly after April 25-27 the blog was acting strange and weird and would only show a few posts. Well also I panicked because the label 25 said there was 25 posts and there wasn't. When I clicked on it that's where the blog when all retarded and haywire on me. So I thought that eventually it would work its own kinks out and snap back to normal, you know?? But also since Blogger's doing this new forceful transition to the new blogger, a lot of things are messed up. I really didn't get the problem fixed until May 13.....somewhat. So thank god that I had a good amount posted and done without any serious problems, but I was disgusted as hell. I was getting ignored by google help forum whatever. I didn't get no results until I threaten to call somebody about the issue and leave. OMG then I had all the help in the world. But that's neither here nor there.

So appatenly Blogger's pagination is very discriminatory towards other codes and stuff, especially the rainbow code which seems like thousands and thousands of lines of pure nonsense that actually looks quite beautiful lol. But what baffled me the most was the fact when I posted the first 3 or 5  Days Of Bunny posts, it didn't  segregate itself like all the other ones did and only appear when they want and disappear the next. I still find that quite disturbing, do you think it could be aliens??

Anyway so I refused to post anything after Day 16 because I didn't want the same thing to continue to happen and there was no way in solving it. So I thought I wait, I didn't know it was going to take a week to get the problem known, and partially resolved. Plus my personally life decided to jump in and cause nothing but chaos and bullshitted anger. I got preoccupied with that, and the 20th ended up creeping up on me like a Certified Creeper. GOD it's like damn it's tomorrow?? Geez!! So I had a moment that I said eff it and wasn't going to write any more but I decided to change my mind for some odd reason. And I felt like not only was I giving up too easily but I felt like I was letting you guys and anybody else down. That's not right.

So hey yawl already know it's better late then never at all right?? I think these next few ones will be good ones too. They say always save the best for last and I think I did a good job this time around planning this awesome event lol.

Please, PLEASE, Please forgive me and my constant tardiness lol. I hope you enjoy the remainder Days Of Bunny posts.


So I mentioned awhile ago in a post about seeing the DOUCHEWAFFLE I thought impregnated me with his mutant offspring and how I wouldn't know what to do of I saw him and I ended up seeing him and was completely oblivious to it when it did finally happen.

Yea, so on my mom's birthday we were out and about and we're sitting in the parking lot because we had just had a bite to eat, we were chit-chatting.

So in the midst of her conversation she stopped talking and I'm sitting here wondering what the fuck is wrong with the blog and site.....

Anyway, so I'm reading, seriously involved. Doing Nerd Stuff like Boss and my mom smacks the shit out of me and says LOOK LOOK LOOK!!

And I'm looking around like what what?? What's going on???

And she's like look no look over there ain't that him???


That guy you was messing around with, and she's in this awe like stupor.

I take a look and watch his walk for awhile and notice that it was indeed him. Never even noticed him, not even when walked pass the ca and was undoubtedly close. He apparently picked up a few groceries and had his kid so he pushed the cart to the edge of the parking lot. Then moseyed through the grass to get across the street to his house. However I told my mom I wasn't sure at first if that was him, because the little boy had gotten bigger and a little bit darker, even lost a little bit of that baby weight.

When he finally crossed the street, I told her if he went to the second house from that corner, that was definitely him. And he did. It was odd but then again I didn't care. Why would I?? Especially getting my feathers ruffled over someone who gave less than a damn about me.

My mom said she happened to notice the fact that his kid was acting like a monkey troll from the Deep Dark Jungle and was being a serious problem child. And my mom's like Madea—she's a true diciplinarian. She said she was thinking how much she would kick his little ass for talking back. Then when the dad finally looked her in the face, she said she was stunned too see him. And then tried to remember where she saw this misfit before. When it finally popped in her head, she said he was staring back and looking from her to me and then gave her this funky I'm mad face. She's like this MOTHERF———R!!! 

So I assumed that since he wasn't a fan of my mom and IF I had been by myself he might've said something to me....maybe, then again maybe not. Last I talked to his sorry ass he was trying to convince me that shit happens and we can be friends and we can do this and we can do that. No. No I'm sorry. I have nothing more to say to you. I didn't want to hear all the shoulda, coulda, wouldas. If you had to disrespect me to please your other two women, then no. If you allow your son and his mother to disrespect me, then no. I would've tried my best but in all honesty him having that kid was a serious turn off and even more so when his kid bitch slapped me. WHOOOO I wanted to kick his ass like he was a grown ass man too!! Plus I didn't appreciate him not taking me home, it was very apparent that you really didn't care for me, but I'm not about to be your sometimey sex buddy either.

Only god knows what would've happened if I did end up pregnant by him, it would've been a disaster!! But he told me from the get go if I ever got pregnant it's not his, he not taking care of it and I need to handle the situation immediately. OH OH, EXCUSE THE FRENCHTOAST & CANADIAN BACON OUT OF ME!!!

Only thing I was disappointed about was that I missed the glares him and my mama was throwing each other lol.

All in All it made me think. Like do you feel that awkwardness when you see someone you used to mess around with?? Or maybe it's me. I just get embarrassed as hell and regret the whole situation in fucking around with him on that level...that intimate level. Then I have to wonder, does he talk about me to other people or make jokes bout it?? Maybe I'm twisted as hell in the head, but it just seems weird to me. It's not like you're gonna be all "OH HEY FUCK BUDDY!!" at the grocery store or restaurant lol. But it the uneasy eye contact, and then you mind begins to roam and you're like I hope they don't come over here my way the whole time or I hope they didn't notice, I hope Halle Berry's standing behind me type shit. Ehh maybe eventually it'll be a forgotten thing.

Or maybe it's because of thinking I was pregnant that makes it weird and uncomfortable. You know?? Regardless of what any girl says, you know who you last slept with. You know who the daddy is, and if you love each other or hate each others GUTS. He will be the only thing that stays constantly on your mind. You can't help it, besides you are carrying a part of him inside of you. Let me tell you, an accidental or false pregnancy will have you thinking A LOT of things [Read: Mama's Baby, Daddy's Maybe]. But I will say when you dislike or don't get along with the "potential" baby's father it will put a damper on your feelings and how you feel about your child. I know, even though I wanted to keep the baby because it was mine, a part of me didn't want it because it was his baby something I didn't want to deal with because I was so angry with him. It makes things hard in all honesty. I don't know how these girls and women do it. I would've snapped a long time ago.

But I guess seeing an EX-whatever is an experience all within itself, too.

Till It Happens To You pt. 1

"I Just Wish Someone Would've Told Me"

i see you everyday

you say nothing to me

it makes me feel you hate me

broken hearts are hard to let go—

theres only little truth through the words spoken

Stares are optimistic

Nothing ever felt right being here

I chose to grow up

You chose to grow down

We were little used to hear that Little Symphony

when you get older you’ll learn the same

its too, too late to fix something thats already broken…

who wouldnt want to know what Nevaeh’s like?

Communication is the Key to Life

communication is gone when one of those robins realizes to leave the tree…

May is such a wretched way…

dont ever dare tell that robin what to think or do

Even if it is for the best

4 A-M never felt like a newer day

I hate my mind

I hate it rewinding

I wish it would stop….but a lot things were painful.

Went to a Twilights Zone

Listened to how you felt

Watched how you acted

Looked at what your karma was spitting out

took the world as dice and played craps

i chose not to play

so i did something else

i did it for you

you asked

Everyone should be able to go to school…

i should cut out the tongue who spoke such words

cant turn the clock back, whats dun is dun

friendship can be the deadliest thing ever

depend upon on the dependable

I Worked My Ass for you

i dont care bout you…

mistreatment is more than abuse

its an unrequested excuse

You Are What You Seep

i knew about the tension before you

you knew bout the undying mistrust carried about I

i never knew bout a painfully hearted mind

Never thought 3 A-M could be a new night

Until i saw that raven look-in pon me


‘Sir,’ said I, ‘Madame, I dont tis a good idea…’

But Lenore was ignored

A spell did I, place upon the bidding that needed binding

I Bind Thee, From Harming Others and Harming Thyself

did it work?

not as i had hoped…

i feel more unappreciated than one could Cherish

making noise is fine for you

making noise is ungodly for me

“am i s’pose to change or are you s’pose to change?

who should be hurt?

who should be blamed?

am i s’pose to change or are you s’pose to change?

who should be hurt?

who should be shamed?

am i s’pose to change or are you s’pose to change?

whats our problem? weve got issues…

lets resolve”

we cant solve this…

a change came upon us

i fell asleep on the desk

before you crept back in

pissed is more than the feeling

the heat moment was the words from my mouth

you try to blame me, i dont even know the reason!

Stupid, yo?

get ur act right or else we wont be speakin

so whats it gonna be?

or more who blames who…

it took more than communication to only get skin-deep to you

but all ive said had been pushed aside for never

all the words, have been pushed up

now theyre all gone away

disagreement is not an answer

neither is an argument

weither youre mad or im mad

one of us is cryin on the inside…

ive learned from my lesson

what have you?

things’ve changed

i may not like change but my mind is opened

nobody, nobody wants to know the truth

the truth that comes from your mouth hurts more than theirs

you were more than mad

i know

so was i

Fuck U

is what you said

then why were hangin on that thing that was assumed in keepin us together?

you got in my space

oooo, how im a fool to even believe in you

but you cant make someone feel the emotions you do

so i ignore u

like you ignored me

you may be pissed at me

but already im feelin happy

says I

Please, please

dont ask were______ goin…

everytime i see ur face in my mind

i wanted to choke you, so you can feel what its like for your throat to close up…

like mine

i wanted to break that wine bottle cross ur head to feel what its like to have a jack-hammer in your head…

like mine

i wanted to physically hurt you so you know what its like…

like mine but more physically-emotionally inept

think of anew

so tell me

how will i see you in a several days?

nobody wanted to face the truth

i dont know anymore

coz you wont believe what life can do

i kno

blood is no thicker than water neither is being better than the other

ull still be pissed to hell and back

but what do i care

thats not hurtin me

no, no not one bit

but until you get over

maybe “US” will be an experience

yeah i look your way

you may look mine

well i dunno

but i kno your heartll be broken

as you get older, youll find out for yourself

in my mind, this is clear

till it happens to you…


-·=»‡«=·-Technical Difficulties-·=»‡«=·-

So it's been awhile since you last heard from me.

Besides the crazy garbage that was going on in my life (which I will get to later) I'm sure you guys noticed that there was some trippy stuff going on here. I couldn't believe my eyes either. My stripping bunny disappeared, my posts were there but then they weren't and all because a CODE......which means the rest of the 25 Days Of Bunny will be colorless—Sad, but very true.

So since I was about to figure out most of the problems and get that worked out. There's always some more bull crap somewhere along the lines and you get all confluzzled and wondering wtf type of shit is this??

I'm contented that the blog issue was worked out and I fixed a few more things like the welcome page and a few other posts. So for now I'm playing catch up since I have nothing else to do. You will see a good abundance of the 25 DOB posts.

And I'll explain everything as we go along instead of now and you have to bounce back and forth. Be prepared for a SHIT LOAD of Posts ^_^.

Friday, May 18, 2012

25DOB | Day 24

"An Ugly Swan"

I was going to write for this particular Day of Bunny about how I was told by everyone—and by everyone I mean people outside of family, friends of family and some close personal friends, etc.—that I was do hideously ugly. However I saw something today (6/5/12) and it made me happy for two reasons. One: because it was a question everyone always asks of themselves and I got an answer from some I least suspected which made me sorta happy. Two: I'm happy the Days Of Bunny ended up getting pushed back because now I can write something so much better.

So as far as I could remember I always thought of myself as being cute, like everyday kind of cute. If I would dress up or wear something outside of everyday clothes, that's when I felt pretty. But as I got older, not just the little boys but the girls too, would always tell me how ugly I was and I was never pretty, no matter what kind of party dress (yes we wore party dresses in the 90s lol) I had on—I would always be ugly. And I won't lie, that hurt. Whether it was done out of jealousy or just straight up meanness, it didn't matter it still hurt. No one wants to be told that, let alone hear that everyday.

Well somewhere along the way I started to believe them. And considered myself unpretty. I didn't know what else to do. And as far as my bringing up goes, my parents were the type who would say how pretty I looked and made over me (in a non-spoiling type of way lol). But it's one thing to have your parents praise how pretty you are, compared to hearing what other people have to say.

I guess that's why I stopped wearing pretty clothes and felt more comfortable with my blue jeans and shirt or top or whatever for the day. Threw my long hair into a ponytail always and kept to myself. I was a loner to begin with and I already knew it. But it's hard to open up to people in general when you have insecurities and flaws you don't want them to find out about. Or even judge you about them. And because of all those things, maybe because of my low self-esteem and low confidence played a major role in me having a boyfriend in my early school days. Then again maybe I wasn't what the boys wanted in the first place. Hell I enjoyed going to the library and reading books and participating in after school activities. The other girls were more interested in colored hair weaves, new designer clothes, sex, money and which guy held the most power in the school. Sluttiness was easily confused in my school as a good thing.

All of my current problems made me think back to my senior and prom time. Me and a friend was suppose to go to prom together as friends. Nothing more, nothing less. I wasn't interested in him that way, and how he felt wasn't important. He was like my best friend—until he backstabbed me. In the few months before prom he was half ass participating. So I got to the point where I didn't want to go. I didn't like the other kids in my class. Most of them had Billie me and made fun of me and rarely spoke me. Why spend what's suppose to be a "fun and great" evening with people who really didn't want me there to begin with?? So shortly before prom, the friend said he didn't want to go with me anymore. Never have a reason why, not like he had to and I didn't care. I felt I was free and I could stay at home. Unfortunately that's not how it worked out. So when prom finally came. Not only did he show up but he took another girl to prom. I wasn't jealousy or seriously mad. I was disgusted. And my then best friend had the nerve to tell me what some of the people were saying about me. Even though I did get an update that following Monday.

LéSans didn't have a prom date because she's so hideously ugly

Why would anyone want to take out LéSans she's so ugly and lame

Maybe the person she was suppose to go with realized how ugly she was and back out—HAHAHAHAHAHAAA

I had to listen to that until graduation. Not to mention I got ridiculed for not picking the Prom King & Queen. And dammit I felt I shouldn't have to vote if there aren't any good candidates. Like wtf. Anyway, regardless of how the people cheered me on at the prom line up. I still had to hear the bullcrap. So that 5 minutes worth of fame wasn't good enough to me or for me.

My friend had the nerve to talk to me at the prom for a few minutes and take a picture. It was comical how he just "coincidently" showed up at prom in my colors. Hmm. And in the midst of his conversation of which I can't recall, he was more concerned about getting a ride to somewhere. But since I was forced to stay the whole time, I wasn't leaving anytime soon. Even though our friendship fell to pieces because of that, I didn't get a I'm sorry or I didn't mean to. Last time I talked to him was probably 5-6 years ago and he was asking me if I had seen anyone we had graduated with. No, and I don't care to. I had seen a few of them from time to time but they ignored like they usually did. So who honestly gives a fuck??

But I guess you could say that made me bitter and when my false sense of security finally fell apart beyond fixation. I was confused an did things backwardly. Hooking up with whoever, hanging out with whoever—did things I never though I would do. I expected and thought I would get a boyfriend in high school and share all my first with that person. I wasn't banking on it was going to be forever, because my sick twisted mind told me that I would meet Mr. Right in college and we would get married.

Deep down, I still wish I had taken a different approach or done something differently. I wanted to have a first love, first boyfriend, the first date, kiss, even the first time having sex with someone I could hold as a memorable worth while person. Who accepted me and liked or loved me. But I missed out.

I don't remember who was my first kiss. Couldn't recall I my life depended on it. Can barely remember who I lost my virginity too. And as for my first "real" love—well he turned out to be married with kids. First real love with a girl, well the novelty that was I wore off quicker than nail polish in acetone. In all those experiences, no boyfriend and no date. I would get asked out but the guy never followed through. He would lie and say he was busy and never rescheduled. Or I was left hanging. Or even some wanted me to meet them in East Ublip somewhere because his gas was more important. Even asking my mom what I'm doing wrong, she wanted to base it on the company I kept over the years. Well to a point I understand that. But what's the excuse now?? I don't have those friends anymore, and I've done everything right so the experts say. She deduced I needed a self help relationship book. When I told her the top 3 (Think Like A Man, He's Not That Into You, & The Truth About Men) she said those weren't good enough and to find something else. But none of those applied to me or my situation. Most of the guys who did ask me out did even have a car so how can I be "chirp chirp girl" in the first place?? Or just tell him your dating other people he'll come around and want to claim what's his—yea do you see guys fighting over pizza & hot wings?? I have yet to see that, but if there's a way to get more trust me he's gonna find another way. Or well if you want the nice guy, you shouldn't have friendzoned him. Only guys in my friendzone or close to it are the guys I'm not interested in. Those guys who feel a quick fuck is like a "getting to know you better" event. The ones who have the audacity to tell me I'm worthless and will always be a sex object. The ones who tell me I'm hideously ugly. Those are the guys in my friendzone.

Within all of the mess, I'm still trying to find myself and figure out what to do. I know my life's not exactly great nor is it perfect. And some of my so-called friends are in the same boat, but yet they have boyfriends, husbands and/or kids (hell some got all 3). So then of course it made me wonder is it because I'm not pretty enough?? Weight aside, because there are some big sisters out there who got men and makes you wonder what the hell, but it could be because she has money, maybe???

So I find myself doubting myself. To never hear, you're pretty or worth it or have the guys or whoever flock to you like they lie about in the movies and'll eventually make you doubt yourself. Then again I have to think the only good, great guy I knew was my dad. All the others either hurt me, abused or misused me, hurt my feelings, tell me how I don't match up to HER, or completely ignore me like I don't exist. I understand you should let one or handful of guys ruin it. But it hard to accept that and practice that when a bunch of guys have done so. I don't want to be told I'm cute just so he can get a sexual satisfaction. I don't want to hear how pretty I am and end up a baby mama with and for someone who didn't care in the first place. However I'm not saying I want to be married. I just want someone who will accept me for me and be ok with that. Don't try to make me something I'm not or mold me into something you feel you can "possibly" live with.

I'll admit, I'm still confused about Love, Life and Relationships. I'll even admit and say I dislike people in relationships. They brag too much and make a mountain out of a mole hill. The funny thing is they always say not to worry, but you do and you will. Friends are more like close enemies and will lie to your face without thinking about the consequence or outcome. Family isn't always enough and we need to be close to other people have an intimate (non sexual) relationship with other people. Men are so picky nowadays about what they want and what they expect, sometimes when the best thing that could ever happen to them is standing right in front of them, they run off to obtain the easiest thing.

Like they say make men work to get you as their mate, girlfriend, or wife. Why should he have to work hard for something when there's a skank waiting to give it up to him and for him all for free of charge, no work required??

But, finding that picture and wondering how sucha good question it is—something else happened and I didn't even consider it. A guy I grew up with, who's basically like family told me the answer was yes. Believe it or not it made me happy. Then I thought, well everyone's entitled to their own opinion of someone–anyone! And everyone has their own preferences of what they like in any given person.

I might be hideously ugly, unpretty and not cute or gorgeous enough for some people. But that doesn't mean that everyone feels the same way. I'm nothing special, I have flaws and insecurities like everyone else and made a lot of mistakes and still got to grow up a little bit. But none of that makes me a horrible person or lacking in any way or form. I'm human, just like everybody else. I always try my best and do what I can. I turned out to be an insecure, untrusting and strange 25 year old with a killer mean streak. I didn't grow up this way, people help made me this way.

So I think for now, I'm not going to worry about love at all. And I'll just have to hope that one day my dream of having at least one baby will possibly come true. No matter how silly it sounds, it's what will make me happy. However, I'm going to continue to work on me and continue to grow.

For now I'm still an ugly duckling, but I have high hopes of becoming the beautiful swan I was meant to be.

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