Monday, April 23, 2012

Love Connection


There's this saying that no matter what, you can always talk to your parents. Sometimes it's true and other times, it's impossible lol.

So from time to time I'll talk sincerely to my mother. However since there's such an AGE GAP between us, some times it's hard to communicate or get an opinion across you know??

It was last Friday (4/13/2012) and I'm ticked because my moms doctor wants to talk dumb shit to me. Like if my mom said she tripped and fell. He looks over at me like WHAT DID YOU DO ABOUT IT?? The hell if she were fall how am I spose to pick her up and you know my ban is messed up. There's only so much I can do. Last time I saw him he got mad because I didn't remind my mom of her appointment but how the hell am I suppose to remind her if I don't know??

Plus he was giving me hell about not having a job, and how I haven't gone back to school and how I need to go get a job at the hospital and blah blah blah.

So anyway we got on the subject of dating and relationships and whatnots. And my mom well she hasn't been single NEVER. Since my dad died, this is the first time she's ever been single, and since she was with my dad for over 55+ years, she's not really that interested. But it's not like when her and my dad was "courting" each other.

Where a guy would ask a girl out for ice cream and they go to the malt shop or ice cream parlor. Sit there and enjoy each others company and get to know one another. And the only thing they expected was another date next Saturday night. Plus the fellow would make sure you got home too!!

Nowadays, if you ain't putting out no sex or kitty love, you gets no ice cream, dinner and a movie—HELL you don't even get an offer of consideration in being asked out. Ain't that some shit???

And I tried to explain this to my mom and asked her, what the hell was I doing wrong or was I really a dislikable or unpleasant person?? Or was I just that naive to men and relationships?? I don't get it....

My mom says she knows exactly what my problem is.

Madea says, "Hunny Bunny you are too fat..."

(´Д` )

Sometimes you don't expect your parentals to be so blunt but they are, can and will be.

However she did say to me, "It's not that you're ugly, or have a bad or messed up personality. But you've always been a little bit chunky."

I'm like, "Mom I get that but I wasn't always as big as the earth, and even in high school being around a size 16/18 I wasn't that huge. But did I get any offers for dates?? No. Not saying there was any worth while so it can't be about weight right???"

So she says she's not sure but insisted that I didn't bank on it. When I mentioned being a single mom, she said I shouldn't. Not that I wasn't capable or couldn't be a mom, but it would be best to get married first.


If I had a nickel for every time I heard, saw or read that from someone I'd be a very rich hobo!!

So she then says, "Be happy, that's the only thing you have to fix! Unlike the other skanks they need to buy the boobs, the ass, the face and make-up, the HAIR, the nails, damn near everything!! Sad thing about it after they buy all that they still gotta give up the pussy to get a date THEN they get a kid and wanna bitch and moan."

So I'm like ooookkaaayy(?) ( ̄▽ ̄)

"So ma how do I know for sure if I become a skinny Minnie that I still won't get ignored??"

So she said, "Well I can't guarantee anything. But I do know one thing I'm happy you didn't get involved with HIM."

Him??? (O_o)

"What do you mean by that?"

"Well knowing that HE was married—"

"I never knew he was married..."

"Well how's you find out??"

"I googled ( ̄▽ ̄)"

"Doesn't matter. All I'm saying is if you had gotten involved with that man without knowing he was married. Not only would he have you cheating with him on his wife but you would've found yourself hurt besides I was getting concerned because I felt you were liking him way too much. I hope it's resolved. But then again you would have to use your best judgement on that type of situation. I woulda been pissed at the fact if he had broke your heart and put you in such a difficult situation."


Now for those of you that don't know who HE is. There was this guy or maybe I should say the mailman who is continuously referred to as D—. Anyways, long story short I ended up falling head over heels in love with him. I'm still in love with him. But he's married unfortunately with 2 kids, a step kid and his wife happens to be best friends with a cousin I don't get along with.

If you want to be caught up I suggest you read the following: When He Talks..., How I Lost Him, I Miss U and His Smile to get the jist of what's going on.


I dunno but something just ignited inside me. Made me angry and my feelings were somewhat hurt. I didn't hate her for saying that. Even though that was in the back of my head. However at the time being I wanted to blurt out BUT MAMA I LOVE HIM so bad. Regardless. But then I had to take time to think. At a time I said to myself I would totally cheat. Even if it meant just to spend one night or maybe even two with him. To take him from his "happy" family just to satisfy my insatiable desire of and for him. I didn't care about the outcome or how his family would feel or if his wife would be heartbroken. She was an enemy and that's all there was to it. I wanted him, because I fell in love with him. Why I dunno, probably never will know. But because of that love not only did it cause me to make bad decisions but I ended up in bad situations and now I can't seem to move forward from it.

Then I thought. I would rather be satisfied with knowing I cheated with him and be angry over that pettiness. Than to be the way I am now, in love with someone who will never love me back and he's the only man I want.

So not only did I spend that Friday that started out crappy then took a nose dive to Depressionville, in the car sulking. I couldn't help but sit there and let it weigh heavily on my mind. Couldn't even participate in my mom's conversation. Couldn't really do much, my body felt heavy and it ached with sorrow.

I felt like I lost a small part of myself an couldn't remember what it was, where I had misplaced it or even how it happened in the first place.

Then my mom said something that just I guess sort of clicked or sparked.

She said, "I'd just hate that you'd end up alone. With no one to love or care for you. No one to protect you when you need it. I want you to have someone just for you. I'd hate it even more if you end up like your cousin. But in your case to be a pretty girl, alone because no guy would take that chance with you would be heartbreaking."

The sad thing about it all, that's the way I see my life turning out if I wait on Prince Charming's grand fashionably late appearance. My cousin is one of those manly type of chicks. Far from a stud, more like a butch. Mostly alone because of her nasty selfish attitude and whatever else she harbors as an issue.

Even though it's my moms dream to see me happily married with kids. I can't personally bank on it. But then I guess it's a good thing that my stubbornness plays a role, because I'm determined to show people. It's not about weight. If I was a skinny Minnie would I get a date?? Would a herd of men come-a-knocking, tearing down my door?? Would I get the relationship I want anyway???

I may be considered young and even naïve sometimes. But when it comes to making a new life with someone. I know who I want it to be. High or Low Standards....desires accompanying or not. I know exactly just by looking, hearing, and conversation who I want him to be. Even more so, regardless of who the father of my child is and if they get to chance to see him or spend time with him or not. I know what I want for my child. And in that case I maybe picky or posting my baby daddy standards a little too high lol. But you know exactly what you want. No need for a dating site or a fake love guru to give advice or tell you otherwise.

But what's truly sad about it, is that I can't find a man that can handle ME. Not in a I need to be tamed scenario. But to be man enough to say well I want to devote my life to make her happy. Only so I can get the same exact happiness in return....maybe even more so. However even in that context, I guess you could say that's what I expect my fairy tale to be like....

But I do know one thing. I refuse to end up lonely like my goofy cousin. That's not something I want to do or a life I want to be sucked into. So I'm not and I refuse to wait for Prince Charming take his good old time. He can chase the skanks and hookers; even have romantic nights out with his bromances. ALL OF THAT!! I'm not going to wait 20+ years nor forfeit the chance to have at least one child. I'd feel like I wasted my life for nothing.

I know I can't tell the future or predict what will happen. However if I have the time, patience and want to do so NOW. Then I'm going to do so. The funny thing I've learned about life is that everything is a risk. Either you take it or don't. Sometimes if you're lucky you might see that opportunity again. Plus if you've got nothing to lose or to gain. Then all should go well. If its done honestly and sincerely. Because otherwise Karma may come pay you a visit.

Now since all of that, I've had time to think. And I've been doubting myself. Seriously. What of I do lose the need weight and get down to that "shape" will things change in the love department or will I still end up getting ignored by men period?? I'm confident enough to make this change and make it work. However, I'm concern it will back fire. I dunno I guess I'm fearful at trying to possibly maybe love another person. I'd be devastated that if I gave up good love on someone who won't return the feeling or same love. Or better yet ignore me, use me and hurt me that much more. Hell there was already Him and then there was the girlfriend. Both two people I loved very much and both broke my heart in two different ways but guess who ended up lonely?? I did. I doubt I could go through another heart break like that. Even if there was a possibility of a good turn out. Once you have a bad experience, nothing good can come from it nor make it any better you know??

I don't call myself having a kid to fill a void such as that. But to have someone that will love me—wholeheartedly and sincerely. Someone who will tell me how much they missed me and how much they love me. Regardless of my personal beliefs or feelings or appearance. You know a pure true love. I know thatll make me very happy.

I rather take on life as a single mom than to be doom single forever. Especially if appearance and career credentials are going to play major roles in this Love Connection game, right??


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