Monday, April 2, 2012

Becoming a Single Mom

April's here and I decided to bring her in gently or at least I tried to lol. I wanted talk about something that everyone has been disgusted with me about. So I'll explain the best I can don't trip out if I jump around. Just as long as I prove my point right??

So most people become single parents out of choice, tragedy or mishap and many other reasons we may not know.

In my case it's out of choice, need and a somewhat selfish want.

I personally decided that I didn't want to get married. I never said I wouldn't I just felt it was for the best. Since finding the right guy for me is, was and still is a hard task for me. I feel like I'm inadequate and lacking something in that department. Regardless of the weight thing, or educational status or if I grew up in the hood or snob hill or not. I just never had any luck and I don't really feel like wasting time to find out how someone feels, when they already know how they feel. It's like going to a restaurant, you know as soon as the waitress comes back to take your order if you want the surf-n-turf or the Thursday night special—OK! It's not hard and if it's true what they say, men know if they want a woman as soon as they see her. As for a woman we know within the first 5-10 minutes of a good conversation.

However I also feel because of that I shouldn't have to limit myself to be "ready" when he is. Like most men are ready to settle down and start family life in their 40s, 50s, or even 60s. However a woman can't wait that long and she shouldn't even though there are those that do so. You already know I'm not a fan of being 40 and having a baby. So I feel if I'm ready to have a baby now, I should take advantage of the feeling, want and determination before it slips away. And also before I change my mind again and forgo it for good, never to think or want or even reconsider it again.

I also want to have a baby now, because I know once maybe twice, I've become comfortable with the thought of not having or wanting kids. I've reconsidered that. I'm happy I did so. Not based on the false pregnancy or my friends and family having kids of their own.

But because I want to be happy. I want to have someone to love. I want my own family. And I feel like I deserve to be happy.

No I may not be financially stable nor do I have a college degree. But that shouldn't measure my motherhood or parental skills either. If I have to struggle or sacrifice to give a happy good life to my baby then so be it. Just as long as they're born happy and healthy and I get the chance to meet and greet them. I'll be the happiest Bunny in the whole wide world lol. I also know I want to do this alone. I won't say I don't need a man's help, I'm just refusing him helping me. Like financially, or the baby to have his last name and who'll spend time with the baby on what days and Daddy's new girlfriend so on and so forth. I just want what I can get for free and move it along (and hope it was) like it was a well worth it dream lol.

Now before anyone flies off the handle and call me a selfish whore and a total bitch.

Yes having a father is important and everyone should have one. However this is how I feel. I have time to fall in love again or met a future companion. I don't have that same amount of time to have a baby now do I?? No. I refuse to figure out if a man cares for me or not or if he loves me or loves me not. The drama and issues I don't have the time or patience for—no no way. Plus I rather have a man that's close to my age. I hate to be bias but hooking up with a 40 something year old is creepy enough. However I'd be concerned about his health. Will he live to see the baby graduate from College?? Will he be able to walk the daughter down the aisle when she gets married?? Will he be able to give the son fatherly advice about his kids—our grandchildren. Believe it or not these are things I worry and concern myself about.

Or will I be forced to tell my kid just "stories" about someone they will never get the chance to bond with?? Will he even want kids if a relationship develops between us?? Will he stay?? Or will he leave?? And so many more questions come to my mind.

I would rather my child not know who their father is. Than to get attached to someone that's not a guarantee they'll be able to keep. Even more so if I happened to fall in love with that person. I already had to deal with my dad's death and I only got to spend 21years with him. And I still missed out on a lot not because of his unexpected sudden death but because my parents were older there was only so much they could do actively with me.

However because of that, there are many more things I will neer get to experience and it hurts. Puts a painful twinge on my heart and makes me unhappy. Like there will be no more time to spend with the old man on football Sundays. No more dreams about being walked down the aisle to marry some amazingly great guy. Plus my kids will have to hear of stories about their granddad, just like I've had to. And at first it's exciting but after awhile it gets boring and turns somewhat sad to only hear the same stories over and over about someone that you will NEVER be able to meet, hug, or hold or even know the sound of their voice. Severely Tragic.

So call it a fear, being scared or cutting my nose off to spite my face. I just hate for that to happen. However even if my child did get to know their father, I'd be devastated that he'd make broken promises and give concrete lies to the child. Or always say how busy he is or he has something else to do or brag at how much greater his other family is. That would pissed me off, my godmom was like that, she'd say she had time for me but never did. Made promises she couldn't keep or better yet chose not to keep. And as I grew older her lies and stuff got old. Now I ended up hating her guts for it and I haven't talked to her in over 7 years.

Plus I would be devastated if his lies and smooth talk would turn my kid against me. Seen that happen to an aunt. She would anything for my cousins. She's a great mom. But do she get the respect she deserves no. But the dead beat daddy comes and her kids melt like butter and act like that man is GOD. Even worse her one set of grand kids act like the dead beat "grand" daddy's wife is their ONLY grandmother. If that's not fucked up I don't know what is. But to have your kids and grandkids turn against you?? It's more than devastating that's heartbreaking and I'd die if I that ever happened to me.

So I personally feel if I remove the man period from a role most of them (not all men) refuse to take responsibly, courageously and happily like any good man would. I won't have these problems to deal with. Out of sight, out of mind you know?? I'm not trying to create a perfect world or give my kids a false pretense or misunderstanding of life. I just don't want them hurt. Every good man i had in my life whether it was my dad or adopted grandfather or a great uncle was taken from me before I was ready, whether it was by death or a crazy sicko wife. Which can cause trauma even if it happens in a split second, it can cause a lifetime of pain.

To be hurt just because is hurtful enough. Like petty friends or a rumour it hurts but you eventually get over it. But to be hurt by someone or people who are meant and suppose to love and protect you can not only be hurtful but devastating and can make life miserable. Believe I know!! My family basically told me when I was just a teen that if my parents ever died because they were "old" they would never take care of me, wouldn't help or support me—wouldn't do anything for me!! Guess what?? It's web true. In my time of need not only does my family disown me, ignore me they act like I never existed in the first place. One it pissed me off because these are the same orphans who parents didn't want them, they got the best years of my parents life and my dad did anything for anybody especially family. And yet taking time out for me to help me was not only a chore but a "waste of precious time." and as or my dad's family, well he has a brother who would call my mom and act like I'm the housekeeper or maid or something. The rest of his family disowned me because my mom's too dark, ain't that some shit?? He'll I got cousins around my age and don't know who none of those people are. But to be a good family you have to meet each other halfway and create a relationship and make it work.

I'm determined to do this. Nowhere does it says that I can't have or create my own family. I've chose I do so because I know at least that baby will be happy and will love me and my flaws. And to come home from a hard days of work to see that smiling happy face would be more than worth it. It would let me know my life is alright and happy. It'll be so bittersweet to me. I would be elated!! My family is so screwed up and I refuse to continue their retarded side show circus full of reruns and issues. It's frustrating that people who are related want to fight with each other because that's all they can and know how to do.

And I'll admit and say no I don't like it. But I don't have to accept it either. Same goes for making a so called relationship with a man.

It may be selfish and wrong to some aspects. But to me if a teenager can have a baby and be accepted and even have a tv show and bathe in the limelight. Then I don't see a problem with me, a 25 year old woman,wanting to have a baby because I want to.

One of the main reasons why I want to do this is because I want to say I accomplished something great while I was here on this Earth, here in this Lifetime of Mine. I also want to make my mom happy and spend time with her grandchild and become more than just a faded memory or sort you know?? I want to say I did some of everything (if not all if I could) at least once.

Adoption is great! And I'd love o adopt!! Even considered so when Haiti had sent the orphans here to the US. My mom was even alright with the idea. In the understanding that I would have full responsibility of the children (I wanted to adopt 2 of them ^_^). However I couldn't adopt at the time. My age was the major factor, to a point. But I needed to be 25, married, have a college degree, working at some job for at least 5-10 years, have financially stability, live and own a 3-4 bedroom house and so on and so forth. Not to mention, couples have more of foot in the door than a single person does when it comes to adoption. So since I don't fully match the criteria, that can't be an option. And two to be honest I would an infant or toddler but to get an infant or toddler it takes 2-3 years process. Currently I don't think I have the get up and go to deal with a tween or teenager lol. And my moms gotten to old.

So if anything I want start from the beginning. I want to experience the mother-child bond. I want to experience the first laugh, first cry, even the first temper tantrum and attitude lol. I want to be there to walk those first steps, speak those first words and hear that first "I Love You." And experience all the things with my children as they grow up and become tweens, teens and adults themselves. I'm not saying I'll raise perfect kids now lol but I think it's a good experience and for me to have followed this already planned out path. Then utterly fail miserably, I don't want to be a failure all of the times or to say I went through this whole life and did NOTHING. Now that's some heavy stuff right there.

Think on it–

What is your main goal and purpose on this world??

Did you accomplish that goal??
If so, are you happy and contented?? Do you feel good about yourself?? Have you changed any?? Are you where you thought you'd be?? Is there any way to make it better or enhance that happiness and goal???

If not, what's wrong?? Can you fix it?? You think change could be for the better?? Ever consider that you can still be happy without that goal or planned path?? Did you know you can still be detoured off your goal and path and find something totally new and worth while to accomplish???

When I was 14 I thought that by time I was 25; I would be married to a wonderful guy. Living in the big old victorian style house with the white picket fence, at least 3 kids with hopes of a house full (like 6, 8, maybe even 10 kids lol I always wanted a big family but for now 2 or 3 will do just fine), cat, dog, fishes and hamsters. I'd be working as a teacher, happy with my family and my parents—contented with life.

However things have changed and will continue to do so. But I'm not going to let a few obstacles and bumps in the roads or detours mess it up for me. This time around I'm going to work hard and do my best. Irregardless of how people say its selfish, or how they may feel. It's not like I'm obligating them or forcing them to throw a pity part or take sympathy.

This is my main goal and I think it a perfectly fine goal. If someone doesn't like it they'll have to deal with that issue on their own.

It's my Life and my choice. I got tired of making people happy and sacrifice my own.

So this time around, not only do I plan on making someone (two little people lol) else happy, but I plan on making myself happy for once by doing something I want. And to be honest, i couldn't be happier :).

•••Posted using BlogPress


Post a Comment

What do you think?

Chrome Pointer