Tuesday, March 20, 2012

to P or not to M; that is the S—

So usually I write about just about everything lol. Except for this lovely topic. Today Girls, Dollz & Women we are gonna talk about how annoying things can really get it. Please excuse me if I jump around a lot lol.

Ok so unlike the other females I've met in my life time everybody got their period right on time and they seemed genuinely happy about. Never really knew why and couldn't figure it out.

I got mine when I was about 10years old. Looked like my Lil Kitten was in a nasty bar fight and to top it off I was at my grandma's when I realized [it/]what happened. My mom's old school and to talk about those things are nasty enough let alone "normal" conversation. It was vulgar, filthy talk. So yea my mom put a pad in my underpants and said it could be taken out when I got home. Which made no sense........why I gotta wear a diaper o_O?? I wondered. Coz back then pads were so bulky a baby diaper looks like one of those new fangle thinner than paper ones they got out now lol XD. I guess it lasted I don't really recall, it was never explained and my twisted Lil mind never got interested in it—literally.

Thus age 15. And one nice day I woke up in one of those TEENAGED MOOD SWINGS. Just pissed off and I didn't know why. Just angry as hell sheesh!! It was unusual since I was nothing but a walking talking diabetic treat! Sucha goody goody two shoes bunny (n_n). So we went out to the Walmart and I'm searching for something bent over, kneeling, crouching like a tiger—the whole 9. Then it's potty time and I get in there and noticed that not only my panties but my khaki pants were the color of blood burgundy. YIKES O_O!! Then I immediately felt embarrassed. But what a minute why am I so angry about it?? Shouldn't I be crying?? That's what I usually do–

I was a cry baby as a teen (still sorta am a lil bit tho) but hey, what did you expect??

So I found out from the girls at school it was PMS, you're on your period dumb ass. Oooohhhhhh O_O.

Then I thought back to catholic school and how those fast ass hoochie mamas (lol) talked so freely about it. Like OMG!! I was stunned coz I'm like must the boys know?? Then low and behold they had a classroom discussion on it–Dear God don't make them call on me, please ignore me please ignore me Please, Please, PLEASE!!!!

Why you ask?? Didn't have the first clue about it and my mom was old and it just felt abnormal to ask. It's like going to ask your great great grandmama about which sex toy is the best??? XD not gonna happen.

So while I was 15 I did some research on it. Google wasn't like it is today back then either. So it was hard. But I realized then I didn't like it. It was nasty, gross and messy. Above all WHY I GOTTA DO THIS?? >_< I no wanna do this ;p

To me it made the no sense and still didn't even after I looked up. All this just to get pregnant. I didn't wanna get pregnant!! As far as I was concernt I went to Pegnancy High. Every girl had at least 1 or 2 kids before they graduated [One girl I knew had 3 before she graduated]. And the boys there left a lot to be desired. And majority of the kids dropped out anyway. Those were things I didn't want. However I did wanna be married one day with a house full of kids ^_^. I see now i was super slow and should've had my little special ass on the short bus lol. So I guess that's why it turned out the way it did then. The funny thing about it was that I can't recall how long it lasted but to me it was YEARS!!! Ugh so I ended it with a 3 times, every 4 months a year plan. Simple and easy to remember lol. And I was ok with it. Even though I despised those pads! They were like Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows of Zanzibar THICK and so bulky!! Forget trying to conceal that in a purse. IT WAS BIGGER THAN THE PURSE!! So I decided to try tampons. Wasn't a fan of doing it at first because I felt "violated" ya know?? It was a strange feeling. But much better than the pad, even though the tampon looked the sized of a Subway Footlong, all hard and cardboardy XD. So imagine that sucker going in GOOD GOD it was loke like a desert going hand-in-had with sandpaper. And they reminded me of these new Tampax Compax Lil cutie tampons. Sanitation was crazy back then. But it was all good until about 2003 and it stopped August something.

Now lemme tell yawl what happened. So here I is, about 16 or so—October getting check ups and shots for school. Ya kno the routine. So the lady nurse bitch, yea I said it, she ask me when was my last period.

August XX, 20XX. I was so proud of myself and stuff ^_^. So then she gets on her heels and says (paraphrasing here):

Honey are you sexually active?


Then why haven't you had a period since August, this is October you know??

{Yea I know it's October, but I dunno}

*chuckles* Honey, I'mma ask you again, are you sexually active??


That's just not normal and you need to take a pregnancy test, it's not nice to lie whatever the cause or reason maybe. I will be telling the doctor about this.

O_O. What just happened?? But instead of getting upset about it or pissed like I would NOW. I WAS HURT!! My feelings was hurt, damaged and severely beaten up. But it twisted my mind up. I won't lie all girls are explorative with "HER" down there and no I wasn't having sex with someone but it didn't necessarily mean I was a virgin either. But to say I was pregnant!! UGH made me think DID I GET IT OFF THE TOILET!?!?! OFF A DIRTY BOY?? Forget kissing....I HUGGED SUM GUYS COULD THAT BE A POSSIBILITY?? I was so fucked up (@_@). But still I was hurt by her treating me like that and I decided to never talk about it. Now after if I had to fill out those "when was your last menstrual cycle/period?" I always wrote down a crazy date didn't care or noticed to care. And it shows how smart the officials are to never wonder why did she put down 10/20/20XX when today is 10/10/20XX?? O_o shows how many special people there really are in the world right?? Hehe

So unfortunately my diabolical plan to keep it quiet jumped out when I was in college about 19 or 20 or so. I was having some issues. Stress, Penn State, Crazy Roommate & Petty Teachers and all around Bullshit. Yeaaaaa. So I was sick. Sick mentally, physically and emotionally. Seeing a pattern here?? Oh yes let me continue.

So there I was sick as a dog and the university wanted me to go to the hospital ASAP and some kid on campus could take me. But they said I had a heart murmur. OMG I JUST KNEW I WAS DYING. Long story short I told them I hadn't had a period since August 2003. And how abnormal and strange I was. Well then of course they felt it a need to "experiment" on me. This was something new and abnormal. However when I would ask what's wrong and how much time I've got to live(?). No one seemed to know the answer, no one had an answer. But yet in still here I was in Limbo, not knowing what's going on and all they wanna do is test, test, & test on me.

In the midst of missing school and making more hospital trips than people change they drawers everyday. The doctor felt I was a "Pretty Lil Liar" and put me on birth control and didn't tell me. However it made my period unusually and freakishly heavy. To the point I had to wear both a tampon and a pad and couple sets of panties and it would still leak through to my clothes. Can't be going to school like that. But did they understand that?? No because as far as college is concernt you need to put that shit on hold and come to class because my class is more important than you having kids or not. Besides you shouldn't have kids until your 40 anyways type attitude. So I ended up failing that year. And besides that stress was a big toll there. Because all I could think of if I don't graduate college I won't be successful. I won't be on my "planned path" as a woman should be. And so they tell me around my 21st Birthday that there's a possibility I can't have children, won't be ever to have them–maybe. And that I'll be on medication for the rest of my life whether I wanted to or not. Not something a 21yo wants to hear, right?? Right.

Well once the anger and upsetting hurt subsided I felt well if I can't have my own kids I can adopt. So it was no longer a big issue. Even though it was. However it began looking as a positive thing. No period means no kids and that means I can sleep with whoever I want! HIGH-5!! Unfortunately in this state of mind I met a guy I really like and he turned out married [yawl remember the mailman and I not then you new to go back]. Then got thrown into an adult situation and this love triangle trifecta. So basically I slept around with this guy (had sex for those of you grown lol). He wasn't a somebody I was interested in and just wanted to "use" him to fix the issue for a bit (you'll hear more about this later). At some point we were in a session he takes off the condom and decided to try a porno move and ejaculate on me. However he wiped it up and then wiped it in me. Was I paying attention—no not really. Not until about 2 weeks later and I assumed I was pregnant. But because I had an UTI the pregnancy test came out negative and the other was an error. So I dismissed it either way, because something so stupid couldn't happen to me.

Oh, how wrong I was!! In the midst of this my mind was blown. I was confused and unhappy. What the hell I look like with a baby?? Well I'm still thinking along the lines of "THE PLAN" and I'm gonna have a career and a husband and then a baby and life will be happily ever afterly GAY (happy). However reality got the best of me and I knew I needed to do something and get my life on track. So I did just that, I decided after lots and lots of thinking I'd become a webcam girl. Its not the best of jobs and I knew that but it was the best I could do until something else came along (or so I thought then).

I took the steps needed to be a webcam recruiting agent [instead] because I felt I still wasn't ready and wanted to learn the business of webcam modeling before I jumped out there in the unknown and end up getting screwed over. And when I took that time, and made the effort not only did I feel a lot better but my mind began to clear. Clear like when the clouds let the sun peek through so you know there's a possibility it may be a sunny day soon. And that sunny day came a lot sooner than I expected. My period came and even though it was HELLA LATE I was happy. I was elated, hell I knew how all the slaves felt when they were set FREE!! Emancipation rah-rah-rah!! LOL

I felt liberated, Free and above all Happy. My world was shining brightly. But I wanted to continue that feeling. I hope this feeling continued and I hoped that the smile on my face wouldn't leave!!

So within the 3 weeks of being on my period, days and nights spent trying to recall how the process went, not only was I not PMSing, I was getting frustrated and concerned it wasn't ending like I thought it would or could. But it did finally end on Valentine's Day–go figure! Not only was I happy it came, I did my research. I wondered after all this time why did it appear outta nowhere?? And I found this really nice article about a 28yo-something who had the same issue. The doctor concluded that it was a mental thing. Mental Thing? I wondered and I googled. It says when we as women enter a compromising or unusual situation we can make our periods stop. Stop for a month, months, even years. Why does this happen?? Basically stress and worry and thinking about the "main objective issue" so mine was I didn't want to get pregnant by whoever. However in that thought, I also felt that it couldn't happen to me because it wasn't suppose to. I was proven wrong, even if it was partially and ended in my favor (happily)—it was still possible to happen. Thus when I finally accepted the thought of it and accepted it emotionally, physically and mentally. It began to change. I even watched Dr. type shows. And I'm happy I did, all I heard my doctors say was that I had PCOS (Polycystic Ovaries Syndrome). It's when your ovaries create cyst type pockets and basically stop growing ovaries or those that are grown and mature enough for reproduction either can't survive the pregnancy or can't even make the journey down the Fallopian tubes into the uterus for implantation.....simple terms: my eggs didn't want to go down the slide at all. Not out of fear or maybe a little bit, but just because they didn't want to (mostly because they were basically listening to me and doing as I say). However because of that it made me think other things and worse things [Like I was broken or made wrong] that put not only my "reproduction factory" jeopardy but made me mentally and emotionally unhappy. It's hard to accept anyone or anything saying you can't have children. It really and truly is. However I was misinformed by these "doctors" and no one ever took the time to clear things up. Or make it right either. Hell my doctor felt I was slut muffin and was more concerned about me being on birth control than wondering why my body was acting retarded! Smh

So after my period had ended, I did everything we [women] all do and count up the days, mark it down and wait and expect the time Mother Nature will come and visit me again with her cutely wrapped package of hate lol.

Well as I speak to you now. It was suppose to come on the 12th of March (this month). I'm trying really really hard to try not to panic nor snap out. PMS is being hard on me these pass couple weeks GEEZ!! But I'm cool, I'm cool. Because Imma wait it out. If it comes now, tomorrow, next week, next month or months from now. I'll be prepared and ready!! Because now that I've gotten my goals together and I feel a lot better about this. I know for sure I want to become a mom. Married or not—I want a baby to call my own.

And you know what Ladies, Dollz & Girls.... I couldn't be happier and I'll take all the PMS and the monthly curse side effects in stride to become blessed as someone's mommy. I'd be the happiest girl ever!! o(^▽^)o tee-hee

So in closing. If you're missing your period please don't panic. Some of us are regular, some are irregular and then there's us who have COMPLETE and UTTER control over our bodies enough to shut shit down when shit gets serious! So give it time, don't panic. If you have PCOS, don't fret none, don't worry. They have medication that can help and it's safe enough for the baby. And think about it if all else fails (and you're married or coupled off) you can adopt. I heard its not so hard for a couple to do so (opposed to a single person wanting to). So think happy thoughts and don't let the stress get to you and drive you bonkers like it did me lol. It's not healthy or worth while or your precious time. OK!!

So thank Mother Nature and the Lord when they come to present you with a present lol.

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