Tuesday, March 27, 2012

The Relationship Résumé

If you've been keeping up with me you know I've been talking about relationships.

And besides the whole big girl thing, the advice that I've seen on the net is not only ridiculous but funny and entertaining.

They give out all this crap and stuff on how to be the "ideal" partner and how to get the potential love interest "interested" in you. How to do "research" and make sure you get a "diversity" of "people" and how to treat the relationship scene as a "job"

Wait a minute!

Are we looking for a lover or A Job?? Coz if it's a job I want all my benefits dammit!!!

But really in all seriousness. These people talk about finding someone as a job. Yes it is a "job" so to speak but not a 9-5 and I need a fancy Resume and suit plus a degree.


Hello there!

My name is Bunny

I went to Lovelace University got a BA in Heart-breakage with a minor in Love/Hate Happiness. And I got my double MBA from Cupid Hustle University in Disco-technology and Housewifery.

I have 5 years experience in Pain and Mistressology. An additional 3 years experience in Baby Mama Drama Trickery.

My hobbies include catering to any and every man. Cooking and cleaning are my specialties. And I absolutely love coffee shops and the grocery store. Sports?? Don't mind if I do!!

I've volunteered to do any and everything especially if it includes a bar or night club and him and his baby mama!! Why yes I do love kids!!!

Throw me, kick, hit me, do whatever you like to me. I don't mind really. I'm here to do whatever you like.

If you pick me for the job, I promise not only will I NOT disappoint you but I'll make you very very happy =D.

PLEASE!! GTFOH!! Do you know how stupid that sounds???

GAWD!! That's worse than telling everybody that the Prince always gets the Princess and they ride off on a big white stallion to a castle and have 2 kids exactly. Bullshit!

Like who better yet why did anybody think or feel that finding someone is like job searching??

Honestly you shouldn't change yourself or fake it out. Be yourself and someone will like you and if not it could be something else. Depends.

But dating and relationships are not a full time job where you're getting paid. Now don't get me wrong, it is a job and it can have benefits and can be just as rewarding. But don't go in any relationship, platonic or otherwise, expecting to get the world when you can only give a morsel of a tree or a handful of sand.

What exactly do I mean??

You wouldn't tell someone you own a company and hire them. Knowing you don't have a company and can't really afford to pay them. Why?? Because no one will be happy, it'll create major problems and everyone will probably end up hurt.

So you shouldn't be someone your not. Yea you may get someone's attention but will you be happy acting like someone you're not or someone you hate just for a relationship or a false love built on a pile full of lies?? Would you marry and start a family with a stranger you didn't know?? HELL NAW—at least I hope not. Lol

But in all seriousness this epidemic is everywhere. On the Internet the dating sights are asking more questions than any employer would. And even of you bump into someone or meet by fate on Facebook you've got to go thru 20 questions just to get an "Okey Dokey"

One guy decided to hit on me. I met him through a social network. Strictly platonic place you know??

So at first not only was his first impression bad but it was lousy. He decided to talk about anime. Said he never met a girl who like anime like I did.

1. If you going to get to know someone don't use a strong like or interest of theirs. Because if you know nothing of that area or topic you will look like an ass.

What he do wrong?? He knew very little of anime and immediately changed the subject when I got in depth with it. A big no-no.

Then he wanted to know if I was bisexual or not and he wanted to know why my marital status said "in an open relationship"

2. If you've already creeped on my Facebook, MySpace, Twitter, Tumblr or whatever. Don't ask me things that already has or have been answered. That's tacky and lets me know you've been creeping.

What he do wrong?? When I said yea I'm bi was there something that said I wasn't?? It is on my profile. He replied he didn't want to assume anything. Oh really?

Then he asked me personal information. Not that it was any of his business in the first place but to ask something so personal and I don't know you well.

3. Don't ask people anything that is personal or none of your business. It's rude but very offensive.

What he did wrong? Asked me where do I see myself in the next 5 years. If I was going to school. If I was working. When I told him the deal. He then decided to take it upon himself to "offer me a job" because I needed to have one.

Which takes us to

4. Never make plans for someone else. What may seem or be the best for you isn't the best for someone else.


5. Don't be cocky, or expect your ego to be stroked. You may get burnt or get your feelings hurt.

What he did.... When I said no thank you because I refused to be obligated to ANYBODY let alone a strange man I didn't know. He told me he was a blessing bestowed upon me from the heaven above.

Baby Mama Drama (or Baby Daddy Problems), Ex Issues and Kids. 3 of the most lethal combos ever put together. If you have kids bottom you will have problems looking for a relationship. Not only are the kids a turn off is the fact that their other parental may still be in the picture. So that turn off runs into feeling threatened. If you're heavily involved with your exes like everyday communication and "so-called friendly outtings" that's a deal breaker. Nobody wants to go out with the potential love interest and their baby mama & ex and kids at a family restaurant expecting free meals for ALL.

6. If you have kids, mentioning them is fine. But don't take it over board by looking for a built in babysitter and part-time lover. It don't work that way and it's not meant for single people. Instead flock to where you'd find what's best for you. Like a Park or playground or something. The single scene is not meant for you.

What he did wrong?? Mentioned his kids as much as possible. He told me when they had to eat, when they had a bad dream, and how much he LOVED his kids. I'm sorry but as the saying goes Kids are like Farts. You can tolerate your own but other peoples' kids are unbearable. Lol HELLO!

Next never judge a person or knock them down. Everybody has flaws and we all have our down points and moments.

7. Never make a big deal about a persons flaws. They know they have them. Instead try to help or give them some encouragement. But if you insist on bringing them down or jumping on their case about it don't expect a nice reaction.

What he did wrong? Ask me one night what I cooked for dinner. I said I didn't cool because I didn't know how. Maybe one day I'll learn. But for now I'm a microwave queen. He said he would always be hungry if he had to deal with me. What I said....if the going got tough you'd eat whatever's available mister, or go hungry. Then not only did he knock my non-cooking skills he decided to say in a sneaky way I wouldn't make a good housewife if I didn't get lessons. I'm sorry but that's a job I'm not interested in. Then he did this:

Never compare someone to something you know nothing about or just to spite yourself.

8. No one is created the same, no one is equal in characteristics, personality or features.

He decided to compare me to Monica Lewinsky. One I don't do oral sex on me I hate it. But to say and compare me to a woman like her. Whether it happens or not. You called me a chickenheaded HO. No, no I don't think so.

Next never assume when someone asks you questions or mentions something that your GAME is all that and you got them in your court. It's mostly to figure you out or to make sure that your as flakey as you seem to be.

9. People ask questions to gain more knowledge. Not to make you think you've got it going on and your A-Game was hella good. Or anything else that's silly. Thats how it goes. It's called communication.

What happened next?? I asked how old was his kids. He said he had 5 of them aging from 3 years to 10 years. Well you and their mother must be proud of YOUR FAMILY. What he said: Are you fishing for information?? But don't worry about her we're not together right now.

Which brings us to:

10. Never be afraid to let someone know you're not interested. Fuck that! NO MEANS EXACTLY THAT—NO. Sometimes saying not interested may say to someone that at the moment you're not interested but maybe later if you try again I might be. No one is a magic 8 ball. Say no if they don't understand, there is nothing wrong with ignoring someone. And in worse cases kids.... Be blunt and let them know.

What I said: No I wasn't fishing because I really don't care. I'm not interested. Your kids are a turn off no offense but since you already have a family with a chick whether the relationship is platonic or intimate that doesn't matter. I ain't the step-mommy type or housewife type sorry but that's how it goes for me.

What happened next?? Not only did he stop messaging me but he deleted me. Did I care?? No not really.

But if you're really interested in looking for a potential partner. Don't treat it as a job search and don't treat them as an "employee." it's wrong and degrading. There's already the everyday bull you get from society. But you don't need someone you trust and feel the closest to to treat you the same way. Just do your best and hope for the best. It's hard trust me I know. We all have issues when the world of love and relationships are involved. However try your best!!

Hell if a love sick lovelorn rejected Bunny like me can still give r a try then dammit so can you!! So don't listen to them crazies out there talking about jobs and compare finding a GF/BF like making MultiBillions worth of Dollars lol.

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