Wednesday, March 28, 2012

Coz I Care 4 U [Still]


Well for those of you that don't know or just beginning to get in the thick of things, I'll let you know why I titled this the way I did.


So about 3 or so years ago I met this really great guy. Who happened to be a mailman and of a family that my parents and family mentioned a lot about. You see his family produces football greats. Anyway long story short I ended up falling head over heels for him. Fell so in love I wanted to do things for him, I would never consider. Not even in the best of my moods. But irregardless whether he was something great or mediocre; he was special to me. He was perfect. I dunno if it was because I missed that man interaction or because he was always sweet to me. I loved him, his flaws and knew I wanted to be with him forever. He was all I thought about and all I wanted.

Even though I was shy, I'd go out everyday to meet him. Even in the freezing cold, I'd wait for HOURS just to see his face, hear his voice and see that beautiful smile of his. Love makes you do crazy things lol. He even asked me out and in the midst of my clumsiness he misunderstood and never really heard my answer.

Well just so happen, he mentioned something about his football career and he told me to google it and I decided to so. However I ended up finding something I wasn't prepared for but would never know really then how to handle it completely. And I still don't. Found out he was married. He never told me directly and I'm disappointed in him about that. But not mad, because how could I?? This wasn't a crush or something unrequited. I'd experience those before and knew what it was like to be rejected and move on. But to find out the man I fell in love with was married, was married before I even graduated high school and his wife was one of my older cousin's best friends was a lot to handle in one blow.

So! For the past year or so I've been trying to forget him. Act like I've never met him and hope one day he'd just be a pleasant nightmarish memory. But I'll be honest. I can't seem to do that. The slightest thought of him makes those Love-strung feelings reappear like I was meeting him again for the first time all over again. I even considered taking him away from his wife, even making him cheat on her. However I didn't want to tear him away from his family—his kids. I also didn't want to be the Mistress or Secret on the side chick not even a Homewrecker. That wasn't me and I felt guilty and bad doing so and I hadn't made a move. Did tell him I wanted to rape the shit outta him OMG....anyway, sorry lol.

So I saw him over the winter from time to time. And I would sit in the car ad watch him walk, love his walk. Hell he's a grown ass man, and if you know.... You know what I'm talking about. Or I'd sit in the car and daydream about him, reminisce our short time we spent together. A couple of weeks ago I saw him, the uncle had come over and we were outside chatting it up. So here he comes and our eyes lock. Not only did I get completely ignored but he made a face at me. I'm like damn *stabs knife into heart* didn't know you could be so shady. No hello, how are you. No smile, no hug, not even a hey I missed ya its been awhile. Nothing. Nothing but a frown and him acting like I'm suran wrap. What Mariah Carey say?? See right through you like you're bathing in windex. And not only did that happy feeling come but my heart was aching. It hurt. I've been rejected and told no before but this time around. Not only is it hard that the person you want is taken by someone else but for them to forget, ignore or act like you don't exist at all and never did hurts. Yet in all that. Still I love him.

Makes you wanna cry?? HELL makes me wanna cry.

My Prince in shining armor was not only everything I had hoped for and more and everything I expected. I was told I'd get a guy like him some day. However he was taken by a [evil] queen, and I never got my chance to fight for him or his love.

So now, from time to time my thoughts get clouded and jaded by him. And I get happy, then angry to sadden and wonder if I can really fall in love again. I mean how can I?? I know it's possible. But how do I know for sure I won't end up in another wasted love. Tainted Love. I wasted 3 years on a guy who will never leave his wife or would want me for long. And ended up making bad choices. I don't regret meeting him and I'm happy I did and got to experience love for once in my life. Like I said for it to happen again, would be especially hard for me. But I know not only would I be hurting myself but I'd be hurting the next guy that may come along.

Which is sad and I know it's wrong. But what's a girl to do ya know??

Even a day like today. Where there's a Midsummer Thunder Storm. As I gazed out the window looking at the dark sky and hearing the birds twitter and chirp in fear of the anticipated storm. The thunder booms lightly but hard, hard enough so you know it's coming.

And as I hear the rain comes pouring down. Sounding like a band of maracas and cymbals.

The first thought that comes I my mind as my eyes take in the Wickedness appearing outside is:

I hope hell be ok and safe today. Hope he doesn't get too wet or catch a cold. Hope and pray that he'll be fine....

And here I am catching myself thinking of a man who will never be mine, like always, time after time.

Made me think of the song I Care 4 U by Aaliyah today.

But either way. Even if it is ugly and grotesque out. The nice fresh rain smells nice—

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