Friday, January 22, 2010

U Hurt My Feelins 1st ^_^

So I was talkin to my homegirl and we were talking about how we feel. And what I mean by that, how we feel about ourselves and how we feel about each other. I was tellin her I've come to the conclusion of saying: FUCK YOUR FEELINS. Coz I'm sure people have said it about me, even better I know a few who've said it. But the point is how do you get to that point? Good Question, right?? So that's why I decided to write this ^_^.

So a few months ago I was feeling bad, low, down, and absolutely HORRIBLE!! Even thought about doing a few horrible horrible things, like suicide, leaving without a trace, changing identity to start over. But none of those did it for me. I already knew how I felt about my family, and how they felt about me. May sound selfish but it's not, who else is going to treat Saun like me?? Moi. But then it came to my friends. Whom I love and adore and are my everything; something like my own little made up family of people who I want. But everyone seemed to be "oh so BUSY" and had no time for LeSans (me *points*). And that bothered me, I give them and GAVE them all of my time all the time, everytime. But when I wanted a little love they were always "busy." I felt like I had been pushed to the side or like one of them Forgotten Toys that you just cant let go of, but you're way too old to play with or be caught with. So then one day I started thinking. Majority of my friends have boyfriends and girlfriends. Whom sum I didn't approve of but thats none of my say-so. Most of my girlfriends B-Fs felt that I was way too NOSEY and ALL UP IN DERE GRILL. But I'm sayin, I aint ask your G-F to tell me EVERYTHING. That's her choice. But I'm getting off topic. Then there were my homeboys who's girlfriends felt that I was getting "WAY" to close to him. Made me out like I was HO or a HOOKER, PROSTITUTE. But I'm not, and don't plan to be. Trust I got caught up a couple of times as being the OTHER girl and knew my place but that aint for me. If I want a man I want him ALL to myself. I don't want NO BODY else to have HIM. So besides the he said, she said wars; there was something else. Now damn near all my friends have kids. I love kids don't get me wrong, I just don't like friends kids. Messed up coz the poor kid aint done nothing to me. But they're bad as HELL lil uncouth MONSTERS!! But those friends, all they wanna talk about is their kids. Now the first few times maybe alright and all good and entertaining. But I'll be damn if I'll sit here listening to you talk about your kid for 3-4-5 hours. THAT BORES ME. I dont have a KID or KIDS, so you can't expect me to relate to that (see post: It pisses me off in one since coz its like you're saying HAHAHAHAHA I have a Boyfriend/Babys Daddy and I have his baby/babies.

So I took a moment to realize and TAKE in all of THAT. I got tired of being a third wheel. I can understand that you're busy or got shit to do. But its like you're saying its alright that I'm busy, but you bet not be, coz you're my back up. I'm sorry but I don't like being an option, when I'm making them a priority. That aint right. And it aint fair, not in the least bit!! So what made me snap and say fuck all this? Well I'mma tell you.

It happened like a domino effect. Slowly, though. One was my one friend asking me dumb ass questions. Something I didn't give a fuck about and I cussed her out for it. I don't care if she was made or pissed with me. Why the fuck did you ask me that question in the first place. Coz I for damn sure aint gonna ask YOU for YOUR OPINION....then the next thing was...Was talking to someone DEAR to me like the love of my life, ya know. I asked them a simple question I needed their input and just wanted sum help, ya know? they gave me the NASTIEST comment I'VE EVER HEARD from them EVER GOT from them--Pissed me off. Coz I interpreted it that you're jealous. But I didn't assist you in your predictament. Hell I'm in the same boat, somewhat, hell I'm lookin for land. Then the next thing was that post that I mentioned above. I was MAD as hell. I'll give yall a summary if you haven't been up with me. Now if I dont like someone I aint fin to mess with em. Very Simple, very easy. Don't think that if we get together that we're gonna be BFFs. Thats not how it works, I may have to cut a bitch or two. Secondly I aint gonna KISS nobody's ass to get along with em, fuck I'll tell em myself How I FEEL. Then.....this situation approached itself that I'd been waiting for since this past October. So I'm like should I tell them how I feel or just tell them the truth. I picked BOTH. Told them what's what, and I felt better for it. But it wasn't feeling better that made me happy, it was the feeling that I got from them, ya know what it was? RESPECT. Respect feels good, damn good.

So then, I said. I'm missing out on shit, because of certain friends. I wanna know what they doing and I never get the right answer. So I'm like well hell, maybe I should be doing what they are. I said Mondy, Martin Luther King, Jr Day; that I was gonna do me. I'mma find me a lover: whether it be a man or a woman, don't matter. I'mma have fun and go out do what I want. And when those friends (coz a good couple 100s are bout to get DELETED from my life, I call it New Year Cleaning lol) call me or see me like HEY what happened??

Well you was so "busy" that I found something more worth while to preoccupy my time, mind, and entertain me better. Well what you mean? I mean that since you had your own thing going, I wasn't going to messed that up, but then again I really stopped caring after awhile I don't wanna hear about your relationship or kids. That bores me so I found someone more on level. Well thats fucked up why aint you say anything? Well would it have matter is the question and I don't think so. I'm sorry but since I was only a last thought I plan on making you the same way, whether you like it or not. Quite honesly I don't give a fuck about your feelings because you didn't give enough thought to care about mine or ask if it even HURT my feelings or made me some type of way.

For me I want FULL TIME friends not part time or seasonal people. Those part time and seasonal people aint for me. They cant help me or break me, just fuck up a good situation. But I'm not going to be a built in babysitter or nanny. I'm not going to sulk around with you when your boyfriend mistreats you or your girlfriend dumped you. If I accept you the way you are, what you do and how you feel then I expect to get the same treatment. But if you cannot provide for me that kinda of LOVE--yep thats what it is-- then we need not have NO TYPE of relationship.

So hears what I'm saying, If you love yourself and know it and admit. Boo you're good, you're ON POINT ^_^. Now think about the people who love you. Do they really LOVE you (whether its a friend family or lover) or are they just going thru the motions? Trust me people do do that. Just go through the motion just to keep you around as a "just in a case" "backup" type of person. But that's not who you are, right?? HELL TO THE NO. Do you what do you want in life time? And if that goal's too big, shorten it. What do you want for this year? I want me a man hell lol, finish school and even go on a vaycay at some point, keep loving me for me and never change.

So ask yourself that, What is it that I want? And you'll be well on your way in saying FUCK YOUR FEELINS..... try saying it trust me you'll enjoy it lol ^_^

you need support you know where I'll BE!!

stay sweet & remember

What is it I want?!

3 kizz, 2 hugz, 1 luv!


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