Sunday, April 13, 2014

An [Un]Missed Opportunity

So even though I have a job, I'm not too thrilled about it and it's not my favorite but I appreciate the money that comes with it actually. I just don't feel it's necessary to bust my ass like a slave and still get peanuts in the end. However I'm happy that someone finally gave me the chance I had been asking and wanting for years that I couldn't get because I wasn't good enough. This job lacks a lot of things I need, like benefits and job security.

In midst of all this I've been looking for extra work, one that provides me with the things that I need and hopefully I happen upon a job that gives me everything that I'm asking for and I'll be happy and well contented with that. What I've been doing is looking for jobs and applying to tons of places until I get something else. I already let them know I wasn't giving them a two weeks notice, if I find something I'm leaving. Unfortunately over the month or so I've been working at my job, I've applied to probably over 50 jobs or so. I've had two interviews and about 10 who claimed to be interested in me even though I don't think they really were. In addition to looking for jobs and applying to jobs that I see here and there, I get updates via email where they give me job postings of supposed "job openings" some are well over expired or lead to a bogus site, or claimed to have been filled months ago.

This morning while checking my email, I'm looking at the job postings email and I came across a few places that I applied for. Then I came across one that caught my eye. Fashion and Cosmetic Marketing Representative. For a moment I sat there in awe, because I was shocked, happy and feeling slighted someway.

When I was in college, and had to get ready to plan my life like an adult. Honestly I'll say I wasn't ready for it and probably wouldn't've been. But I knew it was something I had to do and that it needed to be done the right way. So in looking for jobs that not only fit my college major but would be beneficial as an entry level job. Unfortunately at the time Pittsburgh had little to nothing that suit my pursuit in finding a job that corresponded with my major. Which meant I had to look at jobs away from Pittsburgh, I found 3. Those three jobs were in New York, California and Florida. Three different jobs but three good jobs and great entry level jobs. As I spent more time planning this and getting this together, and talking with my Dad about it. I decided that I wanted to go to New York. Cali was too far and Florida had hurricanes. So my Dad said to choose the best opportunity, and if New York was it then go for it. So I start looking for housing in New York and decided to live in Forest Hills, Queens and I would commute to work in Manhattan until times got better. Then I also found a place in Soho and it was a lot of planning and the more time I put into this, the more I thought I'm going to be living in New York by myself. It was a scary thought but it was also so exciting. I couldn't wait until graduation and move to New York and work as a Fashion and Cosmetic Marketing Representative.

Unfortunately, my life took another route, but I still thought that I could move to New York and make it. It never worked out. Mind you this was 7 years ago. Now 7 years later, here I see my dream job and honestly deep down I want to take it, I want to apply. Then on the other side of the coin, I really don't want to. It defeats the purpose. I needed this opportunity years ago. When I think about it, and think if thinks had worked out where I could've gone to New York and made it work, my Dad would've still died, my mom wouldn't've wanted to move to New York and the cost would be too great and I'd probably be in an even unhappier situation. Or something unthinkable even!

Even though this opportunity was presented in front of me again, I don't think I'll take it. I already know I won't get it because I don't meet the qualifications they're looking for and then I have to wonder would I be happy doing something that I thought was cool at 20 years of age?? Probably not. A lot of things I wanted at 20 are things I no longer want and now have to consider what the fuck was I thinking??? Lol.

But you know what?? Call it a missed opportunity, I call it unmissed because if it can present itself to me again with everything I need then, that I don't need now. Then it really wasn't worth in the beginning. Besides why waste my time with people who are looking for perfection?? I rather work my 5 jobs and continue doing what I'm doing until I get something better, by my hard work and determination. Not by what school I went to, and what major I own. I've seen tons of college graduates who lack in everyday survival skills. I maybe a college drop out and considered irresponsible because I don't have a man or kids to tend to and piercings galore....but I know how to survive, even the worst of the worst.

Friday, April 11, 2014


For the longest I've tried to figure out why I have such a hard time dealing with females on a social and bonding level. No matter how much I analyzed the situation I could never figure it out. Regardless I would always try my best and build a feminine bond with other females and experience that group of women who's been best friends forever like in the Then & Now movie. Because it was embedded into me that that was by far the most important task that need to be completed, planted and given the upmost care to remain fruitful. But...I never got that and never got to experience it, probably never will. 

My job at the school bus company is one where everyone is basically friendly with each other. They greet everyone and there's smiles and laughter all the time. There are some that are loners like me and would rather not interact. But it's queer to be in a setting where everyone is happy and enjoys the people around them. 

For me that was very uncomfortable because I spent such a long time being unnoticed and not interacting with people who gave a damn that I'm used to being on my lonesome. I'm ok with that, others aren't—we move on. Not here. They make you participate and they don't sugarcoat or hold anything back. It's amazing actually. I began to enjoy this and felt more confident about interacting with people. 

But we all know good things must come to an end lol. 

Naturally I want to gravitate to the women and chit chat and giggle it up. Then I realized the more I did the more I got pushed into a corner. Not that I was unfamiliar with this corner but I don't like being put there because of someone else's mindset. This time instead of finding that femininely bond that women share with each other, I felt disgusted in a disappointed kind of way. 

It seemed the more time I spent with the women at work, the more and more I feel disconnected from them. I'm one of the few youngest workers, but I also think I'm the only one who has no relationship or children to dote over like everyone else. I thought one day I could alleviate that and talk to the people who might not have that....unfortunately they were men and they talked about their parents, siblings and nieces and nephews and other family members. 

It wasn't until the other day when I rode with two other women on their run that it finally hit me of how I felt with women. I felt emasculated. But wait a minute, is there such a thing for women?? Or is it so rare it's like a mythological sprite of some sort?? So I had to do some research but because it's so unheard of there's so many terms. I decided on the title because it described exactly how I felt. The run I mentioned above with the women, once I mentioned I was single. I was no longer allowed in the conversation unless it was about work. I always receive that treatment from women. Because I'm single and childless I'm not good enough for conversation. They make me feel uncomfortable. But I don't think it's fair to treat me like I'm not good enough to be a woman because I don't have kids or I'm not married or in a relationship or being a Susie Homemaker. Don't tell me I'm not a woman because I haven't done the same things you have or experienced the same the same things you have. I don't shun people who didn't have a father at home and I don't shun people who have siblings. 

But after the other day, I feel it's best if I keep my distance from women and just interact when I have to. I also refuse to allow another creature to tell me I'm not good enough when they're just as flawed or even more more so. 

And because of this last episode, it makes so much more sense why I never gotten along with women. Now the men at work I'm comfortable with and the conversation is conversation except for those who have kids or something equally entertaining like a girlfriend. But other than that I'm cool with them. 

Now I just have to learn to avoid women putting me in that Defeminized Corner because I don't hold the same values in life like they do. Or maybe honestly I need to move, not saying it can't happen there but it might not be as aggressive as it is here. 

Tuesday, April 8, 2014

Wednesday, April 2, 2014

New Entrees, New Ways to Taste the Lighter Side of Delicious!


Rain Puddles

Today we had a rainstorm this morning and usually I can't stand it when it rains. Especially if I have to go out in it. I even dislike it even more because my job has an all mud parking lot for the school buses so going through the rain and trying to avoid the drops, mud you're also trying to avoid the puddles. 

In most cases I would avoid the puddles. I don't like to be unnecessarily wet for no reason because it makes no sense. Not today. This morning everytime I approached a puddle I wanted to jump in like you do when you're a little kid. But I kept holding back because of what society says is appropriate and inappropriate. Then that made me think of how much society and rules regulate our lives and prevents us from missed opportunities. It prevents us from trying our best and experiencing something that could be so enlightening that we are left in awe. What baffles me the most is the fact that they constantly tell us as kids to go do what you want, nothing but yourself is an obstacle. But as soon as that child version of us wants to jump in the puddle because we feel it's right and we want to know the experience after that....Isn't there always someone else telling us not to because it's inappropriate, it's rude, you shouldn't be doing that. 

It's like I've had a ton of people telling me I can live my life within the four walls of my home. I understand that to a point. But if I say, fuck it—I'm fin to just leave the house, grab the kittens and move to Colorado I'm making a rash decision, it's inappropriate and if I can't make it work here why am I going elsewhere to fail. Then I have to wonder if I'm not prospering here and not getting the life that I'm suppose to be living as a 20-something filled with fun, happiness and excitement all around. Then wouldn't the next best thing to do is leave or go found out how to make that happen?? 

I think if I find another puddle today, tomorrow or Friday....I'm definitely gonna jump in it. 

Tuesday, April 1, 2014

Happy April Fools Day!!

Happy April Fools Day yawl!! 

Lady Gaga Bot

I came across this freaky thing couple days ago on Facebook (via fearnet) and it was by far the most freakiest thing I've ever seen!! Now honestly it has no relation of whatsoever to Lady Gaga but at first you would think so.

But what's so scary is how life like the movements are and it makes you question if this is real or fake. Hell I even questioned if I was a robot or not and personally I was tripped out. However I enjoyed it!! 

Check it out and lemme know what you think.

Monday, March 31, 2014

Cherry Pie Jello Shots

I came across this awesome recipe a few weeks ago.

I absolutely fell in love with it. I just wish I was surrounded by people who are so I want to be cute and Diet Philanthropists that  I can't make cute stuff like this and expect someone to enjoy it without complaining, whining or saying how it's going to ruin their already ugly figure.

Eh, but maybe one I'll get surrounded by some new people (probably by moving to a new city) and then I'll be able to try out this awesome recipe.

In the mean time, go check the Cherry Pie Jelly Shots recipe and let me know if you make it or have/will try it!!
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