Monday, June 11, 2018

Lonely AF

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This is basically me lol 




Sunday, June 10, 2018

Reason 3: Lesson Learned?

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I realized like days and posts later I didn’t post it although I thought I did lol 


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Once in a while I come across one of those “A-ha” moments. You know where you finally realize you’ve being doing something wrong or the hard way and there’s that epiphany moment of well oh shit I didn’t know that… Yeah.

 

These last couple years I LEARNED A LOT. Some several times over because let’s face it I’m a Taurus I’m hardheaded lol. However after hitting 30 I kinda told myself we gotta do better. There is no need that I need to be going on a remedial hike over the same shit constantly. I feel like this time around I was more aware. Some I did let the mistake happen to see what the possible outcome would be.  For example (or a couple) I knew my man cheated on me I tried to move on and reconcile with him, he still fucked up treated me like crap and that happened several times over and over again. Had a friend use me and fuck me over financially and I was well aware it was going to happen and I let it happen. Things like that.

 

But I realized something. I didn’t want to be in my 40s still doing this same shit. Like GOD, fix it! I couldn’t fathom being 41 letting a man fuck with my feelings and moral fiber or a friend treat me like crap and I have to accept that as friendship. I didn’t want be 41 trying to make a job work or it being my 20th job in a 5 year span. I didn’t want to be struggling to make ends meet or be behind on bills or trying to fix a car older than me. No. I can’t imagine that. Honestly it’s been 5 years since I’ve been on my own you’d think I’d have myself somewhat together and I don’t. I’m hoping in the next 5 years that I do. However the biggest lesson I’ve learned is that no matter what(!)—no one comes before me.

 

I don’t mean in a negative selfish way. I was raised to always help someone because you never knew who would help you. Even though I’ve received little to no help. I still did it because that’s what I was taught. But I realized that sometimes you can’t help everyone else especially if you’re not helping yourself. I can’t be helping my “friend” or “man” out financially when I can’t even pay own bills or help myself out financially. I can’t be worried about someone’s transportation issues, if they’re the same person that won’t give me a ride when I need it. It’s ok to be compassionate and assist when acceptable. But you shouldn’t give all of yourself to a person who’s not even giving you  a mere morsel of themselves. That aint right.

 

This year I’ve learned to keep my success to myself. Even the slightest thing. I found when I boasted about it whatever it was I either lost it or never came into fruition. I learned to cut people off and focus on me and my needs. I got goals to accomplish. I want a new house at some point. I want to move out of state. But I need to be right financially and mentally to make that move. However when I focus on other people and their issues, I ended up helping them cleanse their problems and taking on theirs and still have mine too. I was tired of waiting on people to do fun stuff with me or for me because I wasn’t doting or fawning over them.

 

Well I’m 31 and I’m not having it. Unh-unh honey no more. That bullshit stops TODAY well it technically stopped on May 20, 2018 but you get my drift. I went out, I went and did what I wanted—movies, dinner, arcades galore—got me an ice cream birthday cake. In a long time I actually enjoyed my birthday. I had fun. I felt better too because I wasn’t dragging other people’s problems with me, or having them trying to block my shine or ruin my good mood. I didn’t have to be restricted or uncomfortable… It LEGIT was a good day! I said well I’ll be damned maybe I need to do this more often. And you know what?? Lesson learned….I plan to.

 

Saturday, June 9, 2018

Reason 5: Work Ethics

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I always thought I had a pretty decent worth ethic. I learned the basics from my parents and always felt ready for the working world. Unfortunately, I wasn’t. I was prepared but definitely not ready. I was told by my parents that if I showed up to work on time, be a team player and go in everyday no issues the employer will love me and I’d have little to no issues. I could succeed within the positon and company and create a career. Which is true, but only so much.

 

They only talked to me about how work ethics worked when they were working which is some 40 year difference. Then jobs accepted people and trained them and gave them job security. Jobs nowadays barely even offer paid time off or health care. I never thought working would so damned difficult. There I said it. I don’t care. It’s difficult as fuck for no reason. The prisons treat the inmates better than these companies do. I took my parents taught me into my jobs but I never considered that they would go unappreciated and I would be taken for granted and advantage of. I would be considered more of a crutch to the company opposed to an asset.

 

I had to learn that being early gets noticed but not for me being a diligent worker. One job had me show up almost an hour early before my schedule shift and then not pay me for it. Others have had me start as soon as I got there. No no. I start at 11:30 I’mma be ready for work at 11:31 not 11:14ambut you don’t start paying me until 11:31…. No no honey it don’t work that way and I’m not having it. I’ve had my paycheck messed up and no one wanted to fix or correct it. I’ve been promised time off and it get revoked without my knowledge. Even when getting dismissed from a company I received misinformation or information LATE and then told it was my fault I didn’t ask. How am I going to ask for information that is supposed to be given to me so I know to ask. It’s not like we’re talking potty training here or that we know blue and red makes purple. This is that oh you should’ve know that blue and orange make gray or that 1-2 month old kittens don’t know how to pee unless you rub their tummy. Shit that I need told to me. But I’m supposed to know this next level knowledge. I don’t like that. But I know it comes from this well I had to do it and so will you thought process but that’s not fair to jeopardize someone’s livelihood to quench your insatiable thirst.

 

However, I learned something with the last two jobs I had. Just can’t do my FUCK THIS JOB I’M LEAVING temper tantrum anymore. I’m getting older and it’s getting harder to find a job, let alone trying to find help. Single women are the country’s favorite thing unless we’re getting married and popping out babies. So instead of spazzing out like I want to do, I can’t I have to accept the mistreatment *eye roll* and keep it pushing if I want my job.

 

But(!) I decided to do things differently this time. I’ve been working diligently on my side business. I always pushed it to the side because I felt it wasn’t a right time or I wasn’t as financially stable as I wanted to be. So I continuously put it off, plus I wasn’t sure what it was going to be anyway. Yeah I did my flips and sold items years ago, but I needed to do something more. Especially now since items and resources are so readily available. I consider doing nails but I also didn’t want to be put in the position where someone is petty and wants to report me. However someone gave me an idea last year and I was able to turn that idea into something and it started me to think of other things to do. So now I’m making hair jewelry, eventually I’ll be starting on bath bombs, lip balms, soaps, maybe bath salts and still perfecting roller ball perfume. But what if I start something magical and not so clichéd? I think that’ll be awesome. I’m super excited about it. So between my 2 jobs, I’ll be working on my business as well. Lets not forget I wrote 3 books, and hoping to publish more (goal is to publish 2 this month). Since I’m self-publishing I’m still working on getting it distributed across all platforms as well. I don’t want to work for someone else’s dream to make a livelihood while being unappreciated the entire time. Yeah I know I won’t hit instant success but I also don’t want to be stuck scrounging for income because I lost a job or had one taken from me because someone else saw fit. That’s ok, I have a backup plan to a backup plan and I’m damned and determined to succeed.

Thursday, June 7, 2018

Reason 4: Crying Helps

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I used to think that you had to be strong for all things in life. People take the benefit of the doubt of crying as a child because it’s a form of expression then. But as you get older they say to stop crying or stop your whining, you need to grow up or toughen up. But why exactly? Probably the reason why so many people have mental issues because society regulates when and how they can be emotional so to speak.

 

Unfortunately I was a product of it to. Crying was always bad. I’m a crybaby. I can recall spending a many of days in my room crying or sobbing softly to myself because I didn’t want to be scolded or ridiculed by my parents, family or friends for being weak. They made me feel that was my most vulnerable state and my world would fall utterly apart if anyone saw me or heard me shed a tear too many. To a point it did help. It toughen me up where it’s rare if I do cry. Then I came across a saying that state crying helps cleanse the soul. Which I do agree. But I think it does more than that. It relieves the frustration that was building up, that break down helps make things clearer, it brings that raw emotion that is by far the most fascinating that we don’t see every day. We see sadness or forced sadness but never someone crying. Babies cry at everything…but you’ll never see an adult doing the same.

 

When my dad passed, I cried a lot. When my mom passed, I cried here and there but it was so emotionless. To the point it bothered people that I was walking around sobbing. HUH? What do you mean?? What the hell? Then it dawned on me well people want to see you cry to take pity on you and it gives them an emotional boost. I remembered it from when my dad passed everyone was so sorrowful and wanted to be helpful. But when the help was really needed or wanted; they had more excuses than a man caught cheating on wife. It was sickening to me. But I refused to be in the same situation crying for comfort and people aren’t doing it for my best interest or out of love but to feel inferior to me. So I refused to cry. I didn’t want to be perceived as weak or vulnerable. 

 

It bothered people. A lot. 

 

 

But then shortly after my mother passing, and things weren’t going right and people were treating me like crap and the realization of being just ME on my own forever. It tore me apart. I wanted to cry but I knew that I shouldn’t because I didn’t want to be weak. But I learned that I can hide how I truly feel. Whether I’m being honest with other people or not. I need to be true to myself. I learned I started to feel a whole lot better when I did cry, even if I was in so much pain. People are going to judge and say I’m weak because I haven’t experience child birth or had my first love break my heart… there is not measurement in how broken you can feel.  There isn’t a determination of worthiness when you need to breakdown and cry. Shit happens, although crying doesn’t alleviate the issue, it takes off some of the frustration and cloudiness.

 

Now I find that the slightest thing sends me over the edge. I watched a kid movie a while ago and I started sobbing uncontrollably like a baby. I got teary eyed driving to work today thinking about the bad day I had yesterday, even though I cried about it yesterday after work. It’s sad as hell but I like it. I feel like I’m back on the right path. I feel emotionally better, it still needs work but I feel like the burden has been lifted some. I feel like I’m on a new journey of rediscovering who I am and who I was.

Friday, May 25, 2018

Reason 2: It’s Ok To Be A Screw Up

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So one thing, that I feel I’m a professional in is screwing up. Whether it’s Big Time or Royally—I’m a pro at it. The craziest part about it all is the fact that it used to bother me a lot. Because other people were bothered by my mistakes or human errors or screws ups. I used to feel bad for disappointing them and making them feel some sort emotion whatever that is. In a weird way, I do understand. You put your hopes and dreams into a person place them on the highest pedestal and have exaggeratedly high expectations—only to be let down HARD and be emotional. So yeah, I get that. However, why do we even do that? We never as people accept someone for who they are and what they bring to the table. We always expect more, want to change them or live in this fantasy world. But that can’t be. Because then you’re not even getting what you want, because of course over time people change, wants change, even needs change. Yet it’s our first go-to as a human when being mutually involved with another human being. It’s crazy!

 


Anyway. Knowingly disappointing people made me feel bad, real bad. I would be depressed or mope around. Probably cry in a corner somewhere over it lol. I hated it because I felt like everyone around me wanted me to be someone that I wasn’t or didn’t feel comfortable in being. I felt like I was being forced to be someone I didn’t know and I had no say in the matter of it.  Whether it was by my parents, family, friends or potential “boyfriends” I felt like I had to change into a LeSans that was more aesthetically pleasing to them. Forget about how I felt or what I wanted. 

 


It was until I gotten older, in college I screwed up bad. My dad was pissed. Even when I felt the only way to fix the issue was to leave college, he told me no. Well later I told my mom about my issue then with my dad she told me we’ll you should’ve dropped out that would’ve shown him. I’m like WHUT?! What do you mean? She said well if you didn’t like it or didn’t feel comfortable you can always leave a situation no matter what anyone else thinks or has to say about it. He wasn’t there so he can’t say if it was hard or difficult. But he can’t tell you to do something if you felt it wasn’t right. Which was weird coming from her. But she was right. Sometimes we can’t focus on the outcome or the other person’s feelings, we come first, we make mistakes, we screw up. Until we learn to embrace that quirk we can never be ok with anything else in life. We’ll be too focus on what someone else will say or how they’ll feel. 

 

So guess what? I’m a college dropout from an Ivy League school (more of a flunkie), I’ve been pregnant on several occasions (much to my chagrin) luckily not a mom trying hard to keep it that way. I’m always in a new job whether I quit or lose it, I stay for maybe a year or so lol. I fucked up on my bills like ALL THE TIME. Even fucked up royally with the IRS. I’ve messed up friendships trying to be a friend or being too submissive. I got fucked over by fuck boys in every way and form possible. I’m a disappointment to my family, friends hate me and men can’t stand me. I’m what they call a bitter ass old cat lady and you know what??? I love every single moment of it. I have no one to please but myself. I know I’m a screw up and I make sure that I don’t try to be too hard on myself. If I make a goal I try to stick with it, if I don’t oh well no biggie. I’ll try again next time, hopefully tomorrow. I know I’m not perfect and I don’t aim to be. Neither should you.

 

So next time someone throws a major fit on you because you were being human, you tell that obnoxious prick to fuck off because if you did it to them they would be ever so emotionally dramatic will the fall out. Let them know you’re proud to be a screw up. 


Wednesday, May 23, 2018

Reason 1: Growing Up A Decade Is Hard To Do

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It’s funny when I hear someone say that they did so much growing within a year. Which I can say I was guilty of that too. However now I’m a little older I disagree with it. A lot of things can happen in a year and even though we think we might have grown up some or changed within that time frame. I don’t think that’s it. We may do one thing differently and feel it’s growth. In some cases that one small thing isn’t as big as an impact as we believe it is. It’s like saying you’re going to stop eating chips but continuing eating candy. Not all changes are good changes or what’s best for you. I did find out that within an Decade a lot can happen. It’s long term focus that we tend to ignore a lot of the time.

 

 

I can say that 10 years ago I never thought THEN that my life would turn out like this. It never crossed my mind nor was a random scenario in my head either. I never thought at 21 that I’d be 31, with cats, single, struggling to survive and still trying to figure life out. I thought then I would be married with kids possibly working living happily with my family and parents. Even though things didn’t work out the way I thought or planned. Life took a different direction. Went through loss, heartache, breakdowns and even was so distraught I wanted to end it all because I felt like I didn’t belong and had no purpose. However all those feelings and experience brought me to where I am now. I’m proud of myself of making it this far. In this year I was able to reflect on the last 10years and all the situations and experiences that followed.

 

I learned that surviving on my own would be a challenge. I learned taking on responsibilities like the house, bills and other expenses would be a challenge. I found out friends aren’t really looking to be your friends. I learned that when someone claims to love you doesn’t mean they really do. Family isn’t supportive and sometimes the plan you worked so hard to turn into a goal isn’t what you wanted or what was best for you in the first place. I must say the last 10years have been a bumpy ride. However I hope that with all that the next decade(s) will be my serenity. I don’t want to make the same mistakes over and over again. I want to be able to prosper. To define my life and create even a smudge in history, even if it’s short-lived. I want to marvel at becoming 40 or 50 or 60. Now I might be getting older but that doesn’t mean I got to carry the burden of the past 10years or so with me and taint the next decade. I think 31 is a perfect turning point. I have 30years to make things right or least decent. I plan on living to the fullest and enjoying every single moment of it too.

Tuesday, May 22, 2018

31 Reasons

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Hi Kids!

 

So I decided to take some inspiration from “13 Reasons Why” and create 31 Reasons Why. Not so much in the negative or sad state. But in a positive state and hopefully be able to inspire someone or prompt you all to do the same thing. And what exactly is different about the 31 Reasons Why?? A Lot. It’s nothing to do with suicide nor am I knocking it in anyway or form. Since I turned 31 this past Sunday, I spent a lot of time these last few weeks and months reflecting on my life, myself and goals I would like to accomplish as I continue to grow. A lot has happened and some of the things I’ve experienced took a bigger toll on me, others blew me completely away and I was never ready for the outcome of it.

 

Turning 31 has definitely been interesting. Even though I feel like I’m 92 honestly. My bones and everything aches like a motherfucker but what can you do? I tolerate it because I don’t want to smell like Bengay or Icy Hot lol. I can say this has been a really decent birthday in a long time. So that made me very happy. It also got me thinking about a few things, which is how I got to this point. I wanted to reflect on the things I’ve learned this last year or so. Things I hope for in the years to come. And also on how much I have and will be growing. It hit me heavy but it opened my mind and gave me a small but loud wake up call.  I was going to jot these down as small posts but eventually changed my mind and decided to make them more detailed and in depth. 

 

So I’ll be posting at least once or twice a day for this and I hope you all enjoy this little journey. It’s gonna be fun! Now what I will do is make a list at the bottom so if you happened to come in later on (which is fine, better late than never!) you can click on the topic and not have to sift through all the posts on here lol.

 

 

Reason 1

Saturday, May 12, 2018

Happy Mama’s Day

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I just wanna wish all the mommies [and daddies] out there a very Happy Mother’s Day. May you all have many more and may your children appreciate you even more!! Cherish one another because one day it’ll just be another Sunday...




Sunday, May 6, 2018

This Is Gambino

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This video left me stunned and hyped up. I love it!!

Saturday, March 31, 2018

Hoppy Easter

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Hi kids!!


SO I just wanted to wish everyone a very very Happy Easter and a Happy April Fools Day as well! Enjoy your day, have a blast and I'll talk to you soon!


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