Friday, December 2, 2016

Cold Kisses & Warm Blessings

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Hey kids!



Since I'm still up thought I jot down a few thoughts for you lol


I do want to say Happy December!! I hope this is a great month for you guys & dolls. And make it count! This is the end of 2016! So you definitely want to start 2017 off with not only a bang but on a good note.



Well as you may or may not know. Me and my boyfriend been fighting off and on. And it's more than just the trivial coupling. We just don't mesh anymore like we used to.

Anyway the other night I get off work and as I was going home I noticed I need gas for my car. But the little money I had I needed for my bus fare to work. As I drove I thought how nice it would be to have a boyfriend I could ask hey can I borrow $10 for gas?? I'll pay you back. But the lord said unto me:


Girl you know damn well that motherfucker ain't going to give you any money. Remember when you needed money to park and he told you that you shouldn't have brought food to save money?? Yeah. He ain't gonna do shit. But don't worry baby girl. You know I got you ma



So I went home and as I sulked about. I went to get the mail and notice one of the letters I got was a check! It was only $15 but honestly I was so happy and appreciative! I went and cashed it. Brought some dinner and put gas in my car. Plus that night the server gave me free fries with my food too! I was so happy!


So happy to the point I decided I would break up with my boyfriend!


I love him and care about him a lot. And things weren't always rough. We were always fighting and at each other's necks. Things were great. But after this whole pregnancy ordeal and him acting like a complete ass. I can't deal anymore. He doesn't want to help me or be supportive or even check to see if I'm ok or not. But expects me to do all that for him and then some. I refuse to do that anymore.


So he texted me that night asking how my day went. I told him it was great. Then I asked if I could see him at some point when he got the time. He asked if it was something bad. Honestly I just wanted to talk about the break up. In person. So I asked what he meant by that. And he says:

"You might got a new friend and you trying to call it quits with me"


I told him for the millionth time that I didn't have another boyfriend. But I did want to break up. Which he didn't take too lightly and was upset. Basically tried to blame it all on me. But at the moment I didn't care. I'm tired. I don't want to fight and argue and wonder what importance I am in your life. Then on top of that to compete for love and affection. I expressed how I felt to him for the millionth time. The next morning he texted me and hoped that I would reconsider the break up. I did tell him I WOULD tough it out until the end of the month it come January we're thru.

I talked to him the other night and he was talking about us having dinner last night. But got mad when I wouldn't tell him how much I love him. Didn't hear from him or see him. Oh well.


I don't want to have to give him the cold shoulder and end something that could've had some potential in the silver linings. But I can't take the mistreatment any longer. I also don't want to raise a kid in that kind of environment. I don't want my daughter thinking men are suppose yell and tell her she's a horrible person and be unsupportive of her dreams and successes. I don't want my son thinking that's how you be a man: disrespect women, call her out your name, use her for money, sex and mere entertainment. No. I don't want my kid growing up and thinking that's how it's suppose to be. I want to raise a good person. Someone who will grow up in the world and make someone else's son/daughter not only proud but happy.


So we shall see how the rest of the month plays out. I won't take this as a negative thing. It was a lesson that brought blessings.


And I would do it all over again too.



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Saturday, November 26, 2016

A Tinkerbell

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Sunday, November 20, 2016

Keep Calm & November

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Hi kids!!



It's been forever right??

I've missed you guys and dolls so much! You all don't know how many days I needed to talk to you well mostly vent. But couldn't since I was so busy.



So quick update!



I had to go check and hadn't realized I haven't posted something since August! Damn. Sorry about that. Around that time I had started a second job. So I was working 16hours a day. From 7am to 11pm. Honestly I was tired and exhausted. All just I can afford to live. How lame is that?

In the midst of all this I've been getting the runaround basically. On whether I'm pregnant or not. I got sick and was in and out of the hospital a lot. And the doctors told me yes I was pregnant. To no I'm not pregnant. Yo I have a yeast infection which is caused by my having to pee so much, which is caused by my backache which I hurt at work for heavy lifting (I work in a call center calling people or taking calls). Oh! And I've gained weight for over eating (didn't know one meal a day and a two snacks was over eating). But yet my tummy is growing. My clothes don't fit. And I never had a yeast infection.

But with all of that. My boyfriend of almost two years. Still feels it's not his, it wasn't him and he wants nothing to do with it. What's crazy he was here with me at my house for a whole month which is the same time I got pregnant so I couldn't cheat if I'm with you 24/7.... we worked together so yeah. I'll be honest I love him to death and he means the world to me. But it's like me getting pregnant has ruined everything—for him. It's like sir we're both grown and know what we getting ourselves into. Don't act like this is something new for you. Especially since he has 3 kids already. So not only has he been an ass about that issue. He's been very inconsistent, shady and just horrible to me. Like he did a full 360 on me with his personality. All I can think of if we did get married is this how you gonna act with me? Leaving and not telling me where you're going, little to no contact, I gotta keep asking you to do something for me or listen to you bitch or tell me it's not your responsibility. You're mad I'm pregnant. He even got mad when I got the second job saying I wasn't making enough time for him. Even mad now I got a new job. It's like what the fuck. I bust ass and do everything for him but I can't even get him to be considerate of me, my feelings or my needs. So I've reached the end of my rope where I care about him but I can't imagine being in this relationship another year. Especially if he's going to continue to keep things from me. And disrespect my child. Hell I haven't even met his kids. And he acts like he doesn't want me. Like I feel like he purposely keeps me out of his life. So I just can't anymore. I'm too tired to deal with the nonsense.


So between his bullshit, and the bullshit from both jobs. I was stressed beyond belief. Then my uncle died unexpectedly. And my aunt his wife turned into a real douchebag. Between not telling me how sick he was, how and when he died to not even giving me the correct info on his funeral. It was trying time believe you me.


But I decided to quit my morning job I had for a whole year. And in the midst of that I got offered for a job at the IRS. One I've been trying to get for years. And I couldn't be happier. It's a good job with good benefits and decent pays. And opens a VAST DOORS of opportunity for me. That's what I need. That's what my unborn child needs. I want to be in the position to take care of myself, my household and still provide a decent lifestyle with no issues or struggles. Which as my boyfriend says makes no sense. And it would've been best to stay at my other job. Yeah $9 an hour isn't going to help with my expenses. But $16 will. I need good benefits. If I'm able to get an even better job then that's a perfect start. Since he feels I don't have any responsibilities. That's cool. I still have a house, a car, two cats and a baby to care for. And whatever I do shouldn't matter since he's not helping me. Oh and to top it all off my second job I was working nights, forced me to quit because I got a new job and they were pissed.



SO!


Got a new job. That I love and happy to have. Regardless of what the doctors and hospitals say, I'm not getting karate kicked in the gut for nothing. I know there's something in there and I can feel it. And food cravings are a bitch. Why would I want bacon flavored broccoli covered in cheese mid day while learning about my new job??? Hell tonight I wanted a milkshake!! Last week I was on a shredded wheat kick—it's been a pain in my ass. My jeans don't fit. Even the ones I had for YEARS! I tried on my old scrubs pants. I had those when I was a serious fattie those are getting tight. So how is it that pants I wore last week or two weeks ago don't fit this week? My feet are swollen that I needed to buy new shoes. Lets not start on the break out going on with my face. Hell its 3am and I want to eat. But I had a big dinner. Plus my nails and hair have been growing like crazy! My hair is down to my shoulders it was super short 6 months ago! Well I will say, I hope for a little girl. That would be nice. But I'll also be happy with a boy. I do hope my baby is happy & healthy. And they know how much I truly love them. And I'm working hard to take care of us.


But now that I do have a new job! I do have extra time. I have been knitting a lot lately. I would like to make a blanket. Still figuring that one out. That means I will also have time to spend with you guys and dolls and my friends too! And I'm so excited. Even with my job that is seasonal. I'm permanent and will always have a job but I will have a life and be closer to home and can always get another job if needed and that's a plus!


So I'm alive and kicking and doing just find kids.

You'll be hearing more from me as well!


So stay tuned! I'll have plenty of stories to tell you.


Did I mention my hair is back to being burgundy?? Lol



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Saturday, October 8, 2016

Somedays

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Sunday, August 14, 2016

The Hardest Decision (...Ever)

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Hi kids!!


Long time no see huh? 


I've been a busy bunny. I'm working two jobs now from 7am to 11pm. Been doing so for a month now and it's exhausting but the hard work is worth it. I see it paying off and that's got me super excited.  



However at the moment I'm beyond tired and exhausted. I feel like death is rubbing my back and whispering sweet nothings in my ear lol. I ended up with a sinus infection. That's been kicking my ass like crazy! I had a headache all day yesterday and could barely get out of bed. Sore throat and no chance of breathing through my nose. It's been a sucky last couple days. But because of going to the ice cold offices and then to the blazing heat outdoors. It's got me all types of messed up. 


But that's not what I wanted to talk about though. 


So currently. I'm also not in my best potential as myself. Because right now it's a mystery if I'm pregnant or not. I mentioned it awhile back. But then I took a few tests who told me NOT PREGNANT in big bold letters. But yet I'm nauseated, my feet and ankles are swollen, I have to pee constantly, I have a vomit session here and there. And I just feel weird. I don't feel like myself. At first I didn't notice until one day I had this abrupt mood swing and was agitated at everything. Now I'm like well. So I took two more test at the end of July. One was a negative. The other a faint positive. 

It's not so much being pregnant that concerns me. It's the fact how this will affect so many lives and things that concerns me. 


My baby's father who's also my boyfriend and have been for almost two years now. Feels it's not his baby. He used a condom and that's that. Ok. Well sometimes condoms don't work. Personally if one was used, it wasn't put on correctly. We both were drunk off our asses and could barely walk a straight line and yet you could functionally put a condom on no problems. Which then turned into he didn't come that night at all. So it can't be his baby. It's gotta be someone else's. Ok so the last person I had sex with prior to him was my ex. Which was a whole year prior to when we had sex a few months ago. 

Didn't matter. Still not his baby. Which then came the whole you're trying to trap me bullshit and you probably saved some of the semen to wipe it in yourself. You know how fucked up it is to have someone you love and care about talk to you like you're a common whore and it was a one night stand type gig?? Like are you serious?? So then it's like well you might as well consider abortion. I'm like why would you say some fucked up shit like that?? Why would you say abort our baby?? Which he retorted: Not my baby. Gotcha. 


So. The last time we talked about it I got agitated and said well fuck it. I'll just abort it and I don't have to listen to your mouth anymore. Then he says no, don't do that. You should keep it. Why am I keeping a baby if you think it's not yours?? He says well there might be a possibility it's mine and you shouldn't abort our baby. But you said you don't think it's yours. He replied well no I don't. But if there's a possibility it is then we should keep it.  Uh-huh. 



So now I'm debating if I want the baby or not. I think it's fucked up to abort the baby because they don't fit my lifestyle right now and will make things difficult for me. However I don't want to be stuck and he's on some dumb bullshit. Yeah I know another kid for him is an expense. I know that. But I'm not trying to trap him or force him to do something he doesn't want to do. But I shouldn't be inconvenience as well. I don't have a support system. My parents are gone and I'd be force to pay for daycare and a babysitter and everything else on my own. But in the event that becomes too expensive I'd half to be a stay at home mom which would be a pain. Because that means no income. Maybe some help from the welfare office. And he's over in his corner turning up still talking about how he's not the daddy. 

But I also hope that I have enough time to do an abortion if I decide to take that road. It's been 3 months since my last period. And I've missed before. But I've never been sick or this uncomfortable either. 


So now I have to make a decision if I want to keep the baby and be a single a mom always struggling, constantly inconvenienced. Or if I want to get rid of the baby, keep him and make him happy, but always wonder what if or eventually regret it in the long run. 



Probably by far the hardest decision I've ever had to make. And I really don't know what to do. Above all else I'm so scared to be doing this on my own anyway.  


So I hope my visit to the doctors will shed some light on my decision...

Tuesday, July 12, 2016

Knight In Shining Armor

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Welcome To StepMommyhood

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So because life will always have a plot twist things will always change or never be what they seem. 


With that being said. I decided to take time out to get this off my mind. 


So I know I've said it time and time again that I would never date a man with kids ever again. I would say that line until I'm blue & purple in the face. Why? Because I "dated" or (what is known in my generation as) hooked up with men before who were dads. Now they weren't father of the year. Some were decent fathers, some were down right horrible. Others just wanted to have their dessert buffet (variety of women) with no commitments to anyone really. I've even been put in the position where I too was forced to ride the coat tail or apron strings of the Baby Mama because he demanded that from me because I wanted to be in a relationship with him. So that meant whatever the baby mama said—went. No questions asked. And I better not oppose this position. So not only was I coming in second to a woman who hated my very existence. But I was back burner to possibly another baby mama and the children involved. So that second or third place was now down to a strong 13th place. I personally didn't like it. And realized the more time I invested with men who had kids the less contented I was with the situation. 


Now I remember when my parents would talk about life and whatnots. My dad always said he would never date or marry a woman who had a kid or kids. He never liked ready made families. My mom on the other hand was ok with it. She said you can't blame the kids on your relationship with that parent. Especially if you care about that person a lot. When I was teen I got her point of view. And agreed. But then I grew up and dealt with it. And then understood where my dad was coming from. I decided around 22 or 23 I would never date a man with kids. Kids were a deal breaker and always would be. Whether it was mutual or he had full custody. It didn't matter I didn't want to have to compete for a man's attention amongst people who win his affection by default. I don't like rigged races or relationships. 




But then a plot twist happened. I met my boyfriend. We met unexpectedly. We became friends first. Talking here and there and did different hangouts. We just were buddies. I was contented with that. Especially after a realization that my ex was wasting my time and love for no reason. I didn't want to jump into something because my emotions were hurting and aching to be relieved and built back up. 

Now the more time I spent with him. I eventually figured out he had kids. It took him awhile to tell me he had kids. 3 kids; 2 boys and a girl. But he had that daddy material about him. Which I'll admit that I find attractive. Just something about a guy being fatherly and doing it because he wants to not because he's forced or wants something to brag about or have a good reputation. When we finally went on our first date which was nice at my favorite place. Around that time is when I started liking him a lot! Before I knew it k found myself falling in love with him. 


Now it wasn't planned. Honestly, you couldn't have told that 25year old me that I would be dating a single dad by time I'm 30. That would be unfeasible to me. I would call you a nut job and bid thee good day. However plot twists happen! Here I am a year later still toughing it out with him. 


Now I haven't met the kids. And before you spazz on me and say I should've met them months ago. Hear me out. I know from my childhood experiences that change sucks. It makes no sense. Sometimes adult situations make no sense. My parents celebrating their anniversary was a pain to me. But so important to them. It never made sense until I got older unfortunately and neither of them are here. So for me to be forced on the kids abruptly and for them to expected to love and accept me is wrong. Me and their dad want our relationship to work. We want it to be long term and serious. We want to get married. We want to raise and have a family together. But, first we have to make sure we can withstand the challenges of a relationship. We just had a first major fight that would've caused us to break up. Now if I met the kids months ago and we for attached to each their and then abruptly I'm no longer in the picture that's more of a strain on them than me. Kids are sensitive and change is a BIGGER deal to them than it is to an adult. For most of us we don't like change and we need time to adjust. Sometimes it works out for the better sometimes it doesn't. Sometimes it requires more adjustments to offset the fuck up that happened. 

Now within this. I myself is adjusting to change. I'm treading in uncharted waters. I've never made it this far in a relationship, let alone with someone that I truly do care about and love with all my heart. So I'm adjusting being a girlfriend myself. With pressures of that, being a stepmom so quickly and abruptly would be too stressful on me. I'm aware of them as I'm sure they're aware of me. But we still need time to adjust. Eventually yes I'll meet the kids. I have faith it'll all work out. Nothing in life is perfect. There's always going to be trials and tribulations. But first we have to make sure our relationship is solid and made to last. Before we include the kids. 


Like lately people have told me I need to reconsider my options. I can do so much better than a single dad with THREE KIDS!! He's no good for me and all this nonsense. But I realized something this one jag off of a dad told me a few years back. He said I wasn't getting any younger and I had to learn to accept that men come with kids. I told him I did accept it, but it meant I didn't have to participate if I didn't want to. I'm like on the edge of my 20s. Like my age right now is a season cliffhanger lol. Me finding a 30 year old man with no kids, a job and a personality that I can tolerate who isn't a complete asshole is like you getting a $500 bonus in your check every month. Yeah if it happens it's going to come with terms and conditions. 

I'll be straight with you guys. I have never come across a man like him. He buys me groceries, cooks me dinner and even will clean up and mow the lawn. He'll even make sure I have gas in my car to get to and from work. He's so good to me. I never had any guy treat me as good as he does. I can be myself around him and feel comfortable. I don't have to be someone I'm not or go above and beyond to impress him. I enjoy our date nights at home where we laugh, watch movies, eat good food and enjoy each other's company. In the whole time we've been together we've only had sex once. So it's not about sex or what he can get from me or what I can get from him. First and foremost he's my best friend and always will be. I'm glad he is. Unfortunately with our first time there's a possibility that I may be pregnant. So that's another thing we got to deal with too. 


Now I'm not going to sugar coat it and say that all single dads are like him or that a man will be a childless single woman like me. But I will say change happens. Plot twists even happen. I felt I would met a guy that was compatible with my lifestyle and it would just work. But honestly it would never work. Because that wasn't compatible with what I needed or wanted or what was best for my heart and wellbeing. With that crazy plot twist. I found a good thing. I believe he's the best thing that's ever happen to me. And I can't wait to see what else happens. He adds excitement to my life that I'll say that I don't want to share. I'm real selfish with my love for him. I also get jealous about him too lol. So I find myself doing a lot of things that I never would've considered. And he also brings out the better side of me too and I appreciate that. 



So no he isn't perfect. Yes he has kids. Yes there's a baby mama. But it can work if you have faith and believe that it can. Will it be easy?? Hell no. But that's life. If it's easy, it's worth isn't very valuable now is it?? 

Now of course I'll keep you guys updated on life dating a single dad, and life into StepMommyhood and if it turns out I'm pregnant too, my road to mommyhood too! I'm sure I'll be seeing TONS of plot twists too. 


Tuesday, July 5, 2016

Game Players

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Since I got a few moments I might as well get my frustrations out. 


So let's back it up. When I decided to have my wisdom teeth removed that process started back in March. I was getting awful headaches and could barely chew anything due to the pain. It took me forever to find a place that would remove them without me having to pay out of pocket or my insurance only cover a small portion. So I told my supervisor when my surgery was going to be. Even though I found out last minute myself (about a week and half in advance) I let her know immediately. Long story short. I asked to have the day off. She told me no. I asked for a half a day; still told me no. Then told me to reschedule it. I am not going to reschedule major surgery because it doesn't fit your schedule. So I got mad and decided then it was time to find a new job. Which I did. 


So started the new job last month. Even though they half assed training and it was basically garbage. They waited to last minute to give us our schedules. Now I decided to work both jobs because that is a better income. But the new job wanted me to work an 11-hour shift. So I'm like what about my other job? Right now the other job which I'm part time at is my only source of income. He told me to either quit, work on the weekends or borrow money. Now they haven't paid me. So I'm suppose to be ok getting a $200 check maybe on the 5th and wait until the 20th of July for an actual paycheck?? Dude no. I can't work weekends because the other place is open Monday- Friday. He said well you probably going to have to quit because we need you here. What about part time?  Nope. No part time. So I have to work the 10am to 8:45pm shift? Nah. Luckily I was on lunch break and left. Haven't been back since. Because that ridiculous. You don't want to work around my schedule and when I was trying to fix the issue you kept brushing me off. So that right there had me mad as hell. Like you're basically forcing me to quit the other job. But you haven't taught me everything I need to know to do this job. It's like fucked up all the way around. 


So! Today is payday. We're suppose to get a paper check. Which is weird. But whatever. Now they said oh checks will be available between 9am to 11am and then like 2 to 3pm. I got here at 9:50. No checks. I waited until 10am no checks. I went to go ask the one woman I saw coming out of her office about when they were going to be available. She brushed me off and walked down the hallway like I was decor or something. I said ok, that's fine. I waited to 10:30—still no checks. I got shit to do today. It don't include being up here all day. 

So because I decided to quit you want to act petty as hell. You haven't paid me and I worked with you for a WHOLE MONTH. You're not going to tell me to sit at home and be broke because that's what you want. Oh hell no. I don't like places or people that play games like that. Now when I got hired they asked me if I was ok with the 5a to 1:45 shift. Yes. I was told that would be my shift. Ok found out it might change. I'll get more info on picking a shift the second week of training. Then nothing. Then you tell me the last week of training that I have no choice but to accept this shift whether it's 10-8 or 8-6 it puts me in the position to forcefully quit my other job but you not giving me enough money to pay bills. Just enough for gas for the car and food here and there. That is asinine! 

It's now 11. I will check once more but if my check isn't made available Imma have a WHOLE ASS ATTITUDE. 


Like don't play games with my money. You got me fucked up if you think I won't talk bad to you over it. 

So now I'm super agitated for the rest of the day. 

But people who play games like that are the ultimate shitheads to me. Like because you're bored or miserable you wanna fuck up someone else's day or life or whatever—HELL MONEY EVEN! Then you want to be all victim or upset because someone has to dig in your ass and tell you about yourself!? HAH! Please! I really don't have the patience or time for basic ass people. 

I do know one thing though. I ain't leaving this gosh damn hell hole till I get my money.  

Monday, July 4, 2016

Happy 4th Of July Everyone!!

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I hope everyone has a safe and happy holiday today. I know you guys are dreading work tomorrow just like I am lol 

Either enjoy yourselves and this July! 


Sunday, July 3, 2016

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