Friday, November 10, 2017

Indecisive

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Hi kids!!

I missed you guys so!! 

Every time I wanted to write something I either got distracted or just didn’t have the emotional gumption to do so. 

I’ll recap what happened since I lost my job  And let me tell you—it’s been a real doozy. But that’s for later. Technically I kind of want to talk about that and my other jobs. Not in full detail though. 



Last year this time I got a call to go work at the one place I worked so hard to get to. It was all I ever wanted. It was the place my dad worked at. It was everything I dreamed of. I quit two jobs for this opportunity. Even though the one person that would’ve been proud of me had passed on; I was proud of me. And I felt then it was the best decision I could have ever made for myself. 

But I found out I was wrong. So very, very wrong. What I once created in a dream of happiness and longing. Was actually the worst nightmare. I haven’t felt that dumbfounded since my ex told me he didn’t want our baby. Like it was a 360 I didn’t expect. I was flabbergasted. I was miserable, unhappy and so disappointed in myself. Even though I was so happy to leave that place. But I left there lost. 


When I left that job in March I felt I would find something else and move on. But it was hard to move. I had a time finding a job and during my 7months of unemployment I had several additional issues of my own negligence that weighed in and made it more difficult. I was frustrated, hurt and so emotionally torn. I wanted to go back to work. But what did I want to do? I love customer service but I hated how it all goes sometimes. I don’t want to be busting ass and I get a “Atta-Girl” or a “Good Job” and I’m still making that same $9 with accolades. I don’t want that. I want opportunities available. Just in case I change my mind and want to try something else or something new. And as I spent those last few weeks panicking and spazzing out. I finally got a new job that I felt out of place and hesitant over. But I took it as a risk so I could take care of myself.  


So now when I look back on my year. Last year I was so hopeful and excited and definitely got ahead of myself. Only to fall on my ass and find out it wasn’t what was best for me. 


But not once did I second guess myself. Because I tried. It didn’t work. It hurt and took me 7months to get over the fact of it. However I’m in this new job, met some wonderful people, learned some new things. And I’ve reflected on myself. 

There are times in life where you make or made a decision that was the right decision at the time. And sometimes you’ve had the best intentions possible. However it went south, caught you off guard and now your staggering around trying to figure what happened. But sometimes god or higher power gives you what you want so you realize what you need. You might want something really really bad. But you get it and it nothing like you thought because you needed to brought back to reality. While you were sitting there wanting and focusing on that goal. Doing everything in your might to get that in your hands. Higher power was not about to interrupt you. He never interrupts your hard justified work. He promotes you to strive and work harder and kick ass. However you get it and it’s nothing like you thought. Then you’re hurt, mad and upset—But remember it was all for a reason honey. Because how can He be so rude and interrupt your focused. Even if he did you would not have heard him. You would’ve been to focus to listen to the whisper tone. But now that everything’s fallen apart, you’re hurt, confused and asking god why me woe is me. Now he knows he has your undivided attention and can’t speak the ultimate wisdom into you. He can tell you now that wasn’t for you. He can tell you no you wouldn’t have heard me. No you wouldn’t have liked it if I interrupted your focus and shine. You would’ve been offended if he did. He tells you that. And yet he gives you another day, more hours and seconds to listen and follow the path that was created for you. Yes you’ve reared off it. We all have. However he finds a way to get you back on track. He shows you what’s important and what’s best for you. But he gives you the hope to try again, to be opened and to continue to find that greatness he already knows what’s inside of you. He doesn’t creat your happiness—you do. He just wants to marvel at the way you let it manifest and radiate from you. 

With that being said. Whether you’re religious or not. Never let a gal or stumble or whole ass fall apart in your life prevent you from finding your greatness. We all have them. But without that failure without that struggle—we wouldn’t be able to appreciate the end-result. 

Sunday, June 18, 2017

Happy Father's Day

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I just wanted to wish all the dads and moms out there a Happy Father's Day. Appreciate that man. You only get one!! 

 

Sunday, May 28, 2017

Turning 30

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Hi kids! 

I know it's been a while but I had to chat with you guys and dolls. Check to see how you all are doing. 


These last couple months been interesting. Lost my job, had to struggle, fight to get some help and st the end of it all realized how other people view my worth. 

So on May 20th I turned 30 years old. 3 DECADES!! Can you believe it?? I can't. Hell I still get carded for cigarettes and alcohol. But I'm happy I made it to this age. I plan on focusing more on me these next 10years and do what I want to do without any issues, distractions or setbacks (major ones). 

However I feel like I'm not where I should be as a 30 year old. I also realized I let a lot of people in my life who weren't good for me and never had my best interest. No matter how I viewed myself or loved and cared about myself—they made me accept the worth they felt I should be and receive. They're like a pawn shop. You take your tv that's in excellent condition that you spent $700 on and you only get $100 for it. It's depressing. No matter how much value it holds or how you know it's great. To someone else it's not. People treat other people like that. 

I consider myself a good woman. I treated my boyfriend (now ex) with respect, love and affection the whole nine. I made dinner, I took him to work, picked him up, let him borrow my car, even gave him money when he asked. Sex at his wants. He won't do the same for me. Not only did he cheat on me with someone I knew relatively well, he disown our child, hated I got pregnant, treated me like shit, said I cheated on him, was a whore and would be a horrible mother. In all that he hurt me, broke my heart. But this last two months he showed me the ugliest side of him. Not only was he happy I lost my job, but he wanted me to fall and felt I shouldn't get back up. Even told me to let my utilities get turned off and had no intention of helping FOR ANYTHING. Even then it wasn't the thing that broke me. It was when he said to me yesterday that our relationship was only in existence so I could suck his dick.


Yeah. He did. He said that's all I was good for. Even said I never cooked for him, or gave him money or did anything for him. But the only thing I could do for him was suck his dick. And our relationship is failing because I refuse to suck his dick when he wants. So because I refuse to do that we can't spend time together. 


THE FUCK KIND OF LOGIC IS THAT?? 

Our relationship is fucked up because I allowed him to be secretive with me and was in denial of his horrible behavior. Our relationship is fucked up because he cheated and acts like it's not that serious. It's fucked up because every time we need to talk things out he wants to blame me and say he's done no wrong. It's fucked up because I take him back thinking maybe this time it'll be different knowing damn well in my heart it's not. It's fucked up because he never planned on respecting me from the beginning. The only way we can fix it at this point is probably with counseling or him learning to accept he's done wrong. 

Like he literally thought it was ok to tell me he's coming over and never shows up. Then never call or text and say he's not coming. He felt that wasn't an issue. But I'm sitting at home telling my friends no to outings because I'm waiting for him to never show up. 

Now don't get me wrong. I love him to death. However I don't appreciate how he treats me. I love myself and some even consider me selfish. I bust ass for what mine and will stop at nothing to get it. I'm one of those Phenomenal women types. Yet he treats me like I'm a back alley prostitute who can't even get money for giving sex favors. How is that even possible?? Like that hurt me to my soul. I felt my soul crying out in pain. I felt sick to my stomach and wanted to cry my pain out. I wanted to scream and throw punches. I consider myself a motherfucking princess and he just told me I'm not and I'm whale shit, I'm nothing. And regardless of how I feel, I will never be treated as such by him. 


That was by far the most surreal experience I've ever had. And I was shocked and disgusted. 

It made me sit there and question the entire time I've known him. It made realize that men and even friends and people will still view me how they feel I should be viewed. No matter how much I protest and say how I want to be treated. They will never treat me with the respect I feel I deserve. Because they're going to treat me how they want, whether I like it, accept it or not. It's unfair. It hurts a lot. 


However since I just hit 30. I've decided to only keep the people who I care about and I know care about me as close as possible. Everyone else will be dealt with at a long distance. And focus only on me and what I need to accomplish to make my 30s the most entertaining and exciting. I want to travel, I want to experience new things, I want to meet new people, I want to work (maybe lol) a job that I can enjoy for maybe 10years or so. I want be able to learn how to be a Better woman now than when I was in my 20s. I'll be damned if anyone interrupts me. I don't have the time anymore. I'm ready to work on being the best LéSans I can be and this time I don't give a damn about how anyone else feels about that. 

Sunday, May 14, 2017

Happy Mama's Day!

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I just wanna wish all the good mamas and ladies and single daddies out there a very happy and special Mother's Day 

Hope everyone enjoyed their day 

 

Sunday, April 16, 2017

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