Thursday, April 21, 2016

Monday, April 18, 2016

1 Year, 1 Month, 1 Day

I thought I would take time out of my hella busy schedule and reflect on the fact that I am getting older. 

What's weird is that I feel SUPER OLD. I remember back as a kid thinking someone who was in their 30s were super adult and old and well ok their way to old-people-hood lol. But now that I look at re fact that I'll be 30years old in exactly one year one month and one's a lot more to that than I thought. And it's not so bad either. Majority of the people have already been telling me I'm 30 and to accept it. Even tho I'll be 29 next month. I must say at first I was kind of unhappy to see my 20s leave so abruptly and to crash land in my 30s. But now not so much. I'm sort of excited and then on the same token I'm a little scared at the fact that I am getting older, and growing up and maturing—but most of all I still feel like a teenager all confused about life and still trying to sort things out without adult supervision. YIKES! 

That's the beautiful part about it all. Because it makes me reflect on all those people I thought were super grown up at 30-something and how they probably didn't have their shit together either. They were probably fucking up left to right and desperately hoping another adultier adult would come and save them lol. That's the most ironic thing too. It's actually admirable too. 

What I can say even though a part of me isn't ready to cross yet another threshold into adulthood and fears gray hair and more fat and saggy skin. The more grown up part of me is actually exited and can't wait to see what the 30. I get to have another decade of experiences and wonderment. I hope I get to spend as many seconds and minutes I can with the people I love the most. And just maybe I might even astonish myself and come across things I never knew and maybe things I never knew I wanted. I might encounter trials and tribulations that I'm prepared for and others I'm not. I hope that either way I gain the knowledge and wisdom to keep calm and carry on while having the serenity to know the difference or time and place to have wisdom, courage and acceptance. But only time will tell. I can't wait to be 30 some day. 

Sunday, April 17, 2016

Monday, April 11, 2016

Old Enough

There are moments in my life where I catch myself wondering if I'm old enough to be doing what I'm doing whatever the task at hand may be. 

Majority of the time I always feel like I'm too young. Too young for a serious relationship, too young to figuring out if an IRA is better than a 401K, too young for marriage and kids—too young to be adulting in general. Even though next month I'll be 29! 

It's crazy actually. The more and more I get into my daily activities and make plans and changes to suit myself so that I can expand and grow. I also feel contradictory and feel too old to not have it together as I look at other people who are my age or older or those who were my age at some point. Hell my parents were homeowners by time they reached my age and were married for 10years at least too!  I feel so out of place sometimes like I want to be ready and I know in my heart I can be ready. But my insecurity makes me feel like I'm not ready for this. 

I know I still have tons of stuff to learn and time to grow still. There are moments where I feel like a scared little kid and need the guidance of an adultier adult lol. Or least someone to tell me that I'm going in the right direction—for the moment lol. 

I hope by 30 I can have it together a little bit. Least to stop stressing about whether I'm old enough to be grocery shopping by myself or having sex with my boyfriend or not lol. 

Sunday, April 10, 2016

April 9, 1966

On this very exact date to the day. My parents got married at a little church. Right before Easter and there was snow too lol. Even though it's been 50years since that date. I bet if they were still alive they would've loved this moment very much. 

For the longest time I never understood why this date was so important to them. It didn't make sense. Though I enjoyed their love for each other. I never got how much they love the idea of each other of the "US" of them. I think this is the first time in a long time that I looked forward to their anniversary. I will say I hated the day because I always felt they blew out of porportion. But I was also young and didn't understand why I had to be included on a day I never got to see or experience or have as fond of memories as they did. 

Even as I got older and things started to change. All I remember is how excited they were to reach that 50years mark. Even still; I still didn't understand why this date was so important. When my father passed and my mom still kept hope alive and I would buy her cards to make her day and look at old pictures with her to make her happy. I didn't understand. I always assumed I never would. 

When my mother passed, I ended up with all the knick knacks, souvenirs and keepsakes. That date was nothing more but a confirmation of my parents Union in holy matrimony. That was adorned in history with photographs and a certificate. And a inscribed wedding ring.  

But it didn't hit me until recently. Like a few months ago. I had this really weird dream where I thought I loss the wedding band I had. Even though it was just a ring and nothing more and nothing less. That was the first time it was heartbreaking to think it was gone forever. That dream had me so messed up I had to get up and look for the ring the next morning before I went off to work. I couldn't help but look at the ring and read the inscribing: A.B.M to E.N.R.  4-9-66. And I sat there wondering why this ring was so important to me. 

It wasn't until I start spending more and more time with Mr. G. It started making sense. Without all that commotion and whatnots. I wouldn't be here. I wouldn't been able to experience life with two of the most amazing (crazy) people in the world. I wouldn't have experienced a lot of the craziness and nonsense with them. I wouldn't be Me without them. I appreciate that. Without their love and wanting to invest into each other for more than a lifetime literally. I wouldn't have happened and nothing that I experienced wouldn't have happened. I wouldn't be in the place that I'm at now. And I probably wouldn't be with G or owning the house I grew up in. Even though now they make up a small part of my life; they were once a HUGE part of my life. They were the foundation to my pyramid and I'm glad about that. 

Even if they're not here anymore or won't be able to watch me to continuously grow. They're always with me and always will be. Ring or not. 

I wish my parents a very Happy 50th Anniversary. 

Friday, April 8, 2016

A Hugasm


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